ATHLETICS: The World Masters Games currently taking place in Sydney must be a nightmare for the anti-doping committee. How do you bust a 101-year old for cheating when part of her training regime necessitates the swallowing of pills for all her aches and pains?
The answer is to turn a blind eye, which is good news for everyone. Otherwise we wouldn’t have competitors like 100-year-old Ruth Frith throwing a gold winning shot put a mighty 4.07 metres. It doesn’t matter that she was whacked out on cough medicine and the only competitor in her age group. The point is she’s there and competing.
28,000 wrinkly athletes from all over the world have descended on Sydney to take part in the seventh holding of the event, including 69-year old Carl Herberl, who walked 1,100 kilometres from his home in Queensland participate.
If you’re wondering who the Games’ Usain Bolt is, that would be 77-year old Olga Kotelko from Vancouver, who OWNS her specialist events, the 100 metres and shot put.
Kotelko went Flo Jo in the sprint, winning with a time of 23.95 seconds, while obliterating the world record in the shot put with a throw of 5.64m.
“There was no-one else my age, but it felt really good and I’m quite pleased. I also beat an 80-year-old,” Olga bragged.
Dave winds up his Hayemaker
BOXING: Boxers always have a bout of verbal diarrhoea ahead of big fight. It usually ends up with the fighter to have boasted the most sprawled out on the canvass by the end of round three.
Anywho, the pretender to Nikolav Valuey’s WBA world heavyweight crown, David Haye feels he stands a better chance if he riles his opponent up.
“I’m going to get him in a position where he really wants to not only beat me but to kill me,” said Haye.
Which, to be honest, is what the Russian champ will do.
Valuey stands nine inches taller, weighs 90lb heavier and has never been knocked down in his 52-fight career. The reasons why seem abundantly clear – the man stinks.
“He tries to lean on you, tries to brawl and comes out with a really hairy chest that gets matted and is disgusting,” added Haye. “I’ve never been a big fan of the matted hair in my face. The size I am, I sort of come up to his chest and apparently the word around the campfire is that he doesn’t smell too sweet.
“I’ve talked to a few guys that have been in the ring with him and they say that’s the first thing they notice, just the stench.” It’s sure to smell no matter who’s ring you’ve been in.
CYCLING: Well hello there suspicious looking medical equipment!
The Tour de France is under scrutiny ONCE AGAIN after Inspector Clouseau types discovered used syringes and drips discarded during this year’s race.
Either the race took a detour through south London or – prepare to be shocked! – some cyclists have been cheating.
One of the teams under suspicion is Astena, which included the winner, Alberto Contador, and 7-time winner Lance Armstrong.
An Astena spokesperson said the team are clean and have “nothing to hide.”
That’s because they’ve hidden it already.
Quotes of the week
“WE will do the maximum for a win but our biggest problem is that we rarely score a goal,” – honest San Marino coach Andy Selva reveals the fundamental flaw in Czech tabloid Blesk’s K?1m offer to his team to beat Slovenia which would have sent the Czech Republic to the World Cup. They lost 3-0.
“I COULD not talk to him directly, but I’ve tried. In fact, on Sunday afternoon I was in the offices of Marseille and we decided we would send a fax to Real Madrid. It says what I have in my heart. It says that I regret the damage that was caused and I wish for him to recover as soon as possible. Football will miss him,” – Marseille defender Souleymane Diawara is beating himself up a bit too much considering his perfectly fair challenge has only ruled Cristiano Ronaldo out for three weeks.
“WE were going to re-do the song with Beckham doing the rap. Keith Allen was up for it and we were all set to re-record the song. It was when we were getting on as a group. The FA phoned up and said ‘You can’t do it’. They’d got the lawyers on it and nixed it completely … because Ant & Dec were doing it,” – New Order bassist Peter “Hooky” Hook reveals how FA spoilsports prevented the world from hearing David Beckham reprise EhJohnEhBarnesEh’s rap in World In Motion 2.0 prior to the World Cup finals in Germany. 2006.