There’s a duel in the pool, readers, and we don’t mean two battleship-like turds floating across the surface of your local municipal.
We mean Europe versus the filthy Yanks in a Ryder Cup-style swim-off to prove once and for all that the US have better swimmers – sorry, to prove once and for all if one country is better than a number of countries combined.
The event to be held at the Manchester Aquatics Centre will pit a 36-strong team of Septics against a European team made up of six male and six female swimmers from each of Britain, Germany and Italy. A sort of War Of The Worlds, only with swimmers from just one planet.
And gracing the UK’s veruca-infested pools for the first time will be Michael Phelps, owner of a record 14 Olympic gold medals.
Britain’s double-Olympic champion Rebecca Adlington said: “To be able to watch the cream from Britain, Germany and Italy race the best of the United States, including Phelps in the UK for the first time, is an amazing opportunity.”
True. It’ll also be an amazing opportunity to witness the wonders of the immune system as, just like in War Of The Worlds, Phelps and co quickly succumb to gastroenteritis, dysentery, Hepatitis A and a whole host of other infectious diseases UK pools appear to specialise in.

Button’s winning Formula

FORMULA 1: Jenson Button has won the world championship with one race to spare! Of course he was very lucky that his Brawn team found a loophole in the new rules for the 2009 season which allowed them to design the double diffuser at the rear of the car. Sort of like a power-up token in Super Mario Kart, this diffuser thingy allowed Button to double his size, fly a bit and run amuck in the opening seven races of the season, winning six of them and collecting 61 points in the process.
It’s irrelevant that in the subsequent nine races he was utter pap and only mustered a further 28 points.
Now Button, ever the professional, is looking towards next season and the defence of his title, even though he admits it won’t be easy.
“It’s getting more and more difficult,” said Button on his return to Britain after taking the title in Brazil on Sunday. “It’s a very competitive sport. I’m sure it was in the 70s and 80s but now, for me, every single driver on the grid deserves to be there. They are very talented; they’re not paying their way into the sport.”
He added: “So, to have the competitiveness between the drivers, but also the teams – it’s amazing how close it’s been this season.”

BOXING: According to WBA heavyweight champion, Nikolai Valuev, his next opponent is nothing more than just “another idiot.”
You may remember how last week Briton David Haye made several references to Valuev’s hairiness and body odour and similarity to a circus freak. In another publicity stunt, Haye pretended to fight a man dressed as a goblin, supposed to be the Russian champ, before decapitating a cardboard model of Valuey.
But Valuev, who looks like he eats people like Haye as an appetiser, said: “I cannot take him seriously. He can say whatever he likes – it will not get him my title.”
Valuev’s promoter Kalle Sauerland says Haye’s antics are mildly amusing. Like playing Pictionary before the boredom sets in.
“Haye’s behaviour is very strange and not normal at all,” Sauerland said. “I think one German phrase sums it up well: ‘1,000 volts, but no light’.”