WITH Andy Murray’s brave semi-final exit at Wimbledon just around the corner, BBM’s thoughts turn to that most tennis of past-times – grunting.
Forget the Nadal-Federer rivalry and Novak Djokavic’s recent amazing unbeaten run – the men’s game just can’t compete with the sound of Maria Sharpova’s squealing like a molested pig when she’s serving. Especially when her skirt lifts up at the same time. New balls indeed.
So for those of you getting into the Wimbledon spirit pop down to Coles to grab some strawberries and cream, a bottle of barley water and, possibly, a box of Kleenex as we take you through tennis’s top grunters…
5) Jimmy Connors.
You might not want to reach for the Kleenex just yet. Others have eclipsed the Godfather of Grunt in the ear-splitting stakes since he howled his way to two Wimbledon titles, but he’s still recognized as a pioneer in the field.
4) The Williams brothers
Despite being men, the Williams “sisters” have grunted their way to the top of the women’s games for years. In fact, possibly the only way to tell the two blokes apart is through their on-court noises – Venus opting for a girly high pitched shriek, while Serena’s testosterone levels shine through in a guttural groan.
3) Monica Seles
Despite looking so pug ugly that one man felt compelled to stab her in the back, there wasn’t a red-blooded man alive who didn’t get an erection during a Seles game due to her erotic-themed screams. “I’d hate to be next door to her on her wedding night,”commented Peter Ustinov for some reason.
2) Michelle Larcher de Brito
Tipped as the next big thing in grunting, this 18-year-old rising Portuguese pro has already screamed up a storm with several rivals labelling her as ‘unsporting’. “I could (stop grunting), but it won’t feel natural, because it feels like something is missing in my game.” In case you’re wondering, the thing that will be missing is the sound of an animal that has been caught in a mantrap and is being tortured with a red-hot poker.
1) Maria Sharapova
The undisputed Queen of Scream. The Russian hotty yells ‘whoooa’ like an overexcited kid at a firework show pretty much every time she whacks the ball. She’s been clocked at a whopping 101 decibels before and her screeches even drew laughter from a crowd in Australia. If you need a shoulder to cry on Maria, BBM is here for you…