TENNIS: Serena Williams is busy wallowing in the aftermath of the torrent of abuse she unleashed on a line judge at the US Open.
Williams, who lost the first set to Kim Clijsters, was down 6-5 in the final set of their semi-final encounter when a line judge called a foot fault on a second serve which gave two match points to the Belgian.
What happened next can only be reported through hearsay since BBM soiled itself from fear and had to rush to the bathroom. However, it’s safe to say that Williams probably did the following: she screamed ‘I’m going to kill you’ to the line judge before cartwheeling over and jumping on top of the tiny official.
She then bludgeoned the judge repeatedly with her racquet and rammed the handle down her throat to leverage out the eye balls.
Williams then suplexed the judge into the baying crowd and sent the eye balls careening over the net where they spattered into a bemused Kim Clijsters.
Williams was ‘awarded’ a penalty point which gave the match to Clijsters and fined ?6,300.
Oh and Federer lost to One Martin del Potty in the men’s final in five sets. Blimey.

FORMULA ONE: He may be the reigning world champion and a cheating, lying bastard but BBM suspects Lewis Hamilton enjoys a calming Radox bath after a race and several hours preening his immaculately kept side burns.
Knowing this, Hamilton went all out at the Italian Grand Prix to prove he’s not just a boring man in a fast car.
“I’m more a hardcore racer than people think. I’m just a racer. I’m sincerely sorry to my team. But they know I do absolutely everything to win,” said Hamilton after he gave up a place on the podium in favour of slamming into some barriers at 170mph on the final lap.

CRICKET: “I’m going down! In a blaze of glory!” crooned poodle-rocker By-Jovi on the soundtrack to classic 80s cowboy flick Young Guns.
Andrew Flintoff was clearly inspired, and rode off into the sunset by leading England to Ashes glory in his final Test match last month. Huzzah!
Unfortunately, he’s been inspired by cowboys a bit too much and is now set to become cricket’s first gun for hire. Freddie has effectively told England to go fuck itself after turning down a contract with the ECB in favour of short-term contracts around the world. Effectively he’s cricket’s first mercenary.
“I said when I retired from Test cricket my ambition was to become the best one-day and Twenty20 player in the world,” he said. “Playing in all these different countries can only help.”

Quotes of the week:

• “I’M not in this just to lose money. I like competition, I like to be a winner and I want to show with this club you can make money,” – Pompey’s owner $ulaiman al-Fahim doesn’t even pretend that football might be on his list of interests.

• “Anyone who knows football knows I am not the same player as Xabi [Alonso],” Liverpool’s Brazilian midfielder Lucas Leiva has confirmed what everybody already knows.

• “HE has surprised me because he jokes a lot when I thought he would be more serious,” – Barcelona midfielder Xavi reveals the extent to which Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s reputation precedes him.

• “WE can hear the crowd, we can hear the words ‘gay boy’. We can’t be sure those words came from Mr Trow’s mouth. We can’t be sure those words came from the boy’s mouth,” – Judge Richard Price explains his reasoning to Portsmouth crown court after overturning the convictions of Ian Trow and a 14-year-old, who cannot be named, for shouting homophobic abuse at Sol Campbell. Trow now intends to pursue a civil action against the police.

• “BOLIVIAN football is in a deep crisis and as long as our suggestions are not taken into account and implemented… the country’s professional footballers resign indefinitely from representing the national team,” – Bolivia’s players quit the national team in protest at a lack of reform in the game. Blimey.