It’s bad enough they were persecuted and killed at the end of the Clone Wars, now Jedi masters are being discriminated against in prison.
Apparently, four prisoners are planning to sue the UK prison service for refusing their application to practice their Jedi religion freely.
Obi-Wan Kenobi would be turning in his grave – if he hadn’t turned into an unconvincing hologram after being struck down by Darth Vadar.
One of the inmates wrote an open letter from HMP Isis in South London decrying their treatment: “This is an example of the kind of intolerance and religious bigotry faced by members of our faith on a daily basis, both within the prison system and without.
“Jedis have been portrayed very negatively in the media ever since the tragic battle of Yavin IV, when Luke Skywalker and a group of left-wing militants targeted the Death Star in a terrorist attack, killing thousands of civilian personnel.”
The inmate requested his name to be omitted due to fear of “retaliation from the Dark Side” – otherwise known as the Conservative Party.
What sort of a sick, sick world do we live in when four harmless Jedi masters are locked up in prison, yet George Lucas is allowed to walk free despite the unspeakable acts of cruelty he perpetrated on fans of Indiana Jones and the original Star Wars trilogy.
According to the 2012 census, the Jedi faith is the UK’s seventh most-popular religion, yet the National Offender Management Service (NOMS) does not include it among the 18 faiths it recognises. Disgusting, did all those Ewoks die for nothing?
A total of 176,632 people listed themselves as Jedi in the 2011 UK census, placing the religion just behind Judaism and Buddhism as the seventh-most-popular British religion. If their appeal is rejected, it’s understood the four Jedi inmates will be thrown into a pit and forced to battle a rancor.
NYPD Cop A Load Of Bad Press
The New York Police Department’s attempt to “get down with the kids” by using Twitter to ask residents to send photos of them posing with an officer has backfired spectacularly.
Instead of photos of policemen hugging grinning grannies, the Twitter account was inundated with hundreds of pictures of officers brutally bashing members of the public.
The Twitter account of Occupy Wall Street fired the starting gun.
It uploaded a photo of an officer hitting a protester, with the caption: “NYPD… changing hearts and minds one baton at a time.”
Another tweet showed a man being dragged by a policeman, sarcastically adding: “Need a lift? The #NYPD’s got you! Free delivery.”
Other pictures included a man at a rally being kicked in the groin, a woman having her hair pulled and a dog being frisked – although it was later discovered that the dog was actually Lady Gaga.
New Member Of The Family
Here at BBM Towers, amusing stories about men having their cocks lopped off are the bread and butter of our news desk. Even on the quietest of news weeks, you can guarantee that somewhere out there, some poor bloke has been de-penised by a girlfriend with a grudge and a pair of scissors.
So it’s nice to do one with a happy ending for once, after a Mississippi man, who lost the majority of his penis in a botched circumcision, became a father after a total penis reconstruction.
Since the ill-fated snip, Mike Moore has had three failed operations to reconstruct his member before he found success in 2007.
Plastic Surgeon Gordon Lee created Moore’s bionic penis using muscle tissue from his thigh, allowing him to have a baby boy with his second wife Heather.
But things took a tragic turn after the birth, as the couple have named their son “Memphis”. Poor little bastard.
Ducking The Issue Of Payment
Like most British people, whenever BBM has a grudge against someone, we generally moan about them to friends and family without actually confronting the person. Occasionally we’ll send them a turd through the post but that’s about it.
But we have to give ten out of ten for originality to a disgruntled worker in China, who got back at a former boss by sending over 1000 baby ducks to his home. And no, we’re not entirely sure what that’s supposed to achieve but he did it anyway.
Builder Chiu Xiang arranged for the 1130 live ducklings to be dropped in the home of his employer in a dispute over wages.
Xiang organised for a contact who runs a poultry business to drop the ducks off, telling him they would be paid for on delivery.
“It was all he deserved … I hope the ducks drove him quackers,” said the clearly insane 60-year-old.
SPORT
Long Road To Rio, Short Trip Back To England
Andy Carroll or Rickie Lambert? The question of who will help spearhead England to World Cup glory is just one of many which underline the size of the task facing Roy Hodgson as he picks a squad from a wealth of riches not seen since the days when Carlton Palmer and Tony Dorigo were England regulars.
Hodgson will reveal the 23-man England squad, with seven more players on stand-by, on 12th May – just in time for Jack Wilshere to break his ankle in the FA Cup final five days later.
But maybe we’re being a bit negative. According to Gunners boss Arsene Wenger, Wilshere – who seems to pick up an injury just by looking at the word “Stoke” on a fixture list – will be a “positive surprise” for England by the time they square up against Italy on 14th June.
“I spoke to Roy Hodgson and I told him that Wilshere will be available for England. He will be just polished for England,” Wenger mumbled. “Jack can be the positive surprise.”
In other news, scientists have revealed that a minor tremor that hit the Italian city of Turin last month was caused by Andrea Pirlo quaking in his boots.
Still, there’s at least one man who fully believes England can win the tournament – Hodgson. And when we say, “fully believes”, we mean he thinks that, mathematically, it’s still a possibility – if we’re lucky.
Asked whether England will go to the World Cup to win it, he said: “Yes, I would say that – without claiming that we will win it. If the players can access their top performances and we have some luck, we can win it.”
Best stick your money on England now before the odds tumble after that Churchillian-style inspirational speech.
The Origin Of Traditions
Like Christmas, Easter and Anzac Day, Queensland’s thrashing of NSW in the State of Origin series has become something of an annual tradition in Australia.
But whereas St Patrick’s Day and Chinese New Year are celebrated with parades through state capitals across the country, Origin is celebrated with a parade of Queensland players marching relentlessly towards the try line at Suncorp Stadium while open-mouthed Blues players flail about haplessly around them.
And it seems NSW coach Laurie Daley is getting into the spirit after starting proceedings with the annual cry of “we will do our best this year”, a tradition first started way back in 2006 by former Cowboys coach, Graham Murray.
“Don’t lose faith and be comfortable knowing we will be very well prepared and will give it our very best again,” Daley said to polite applause and muffled laughter.
“I think most people — I wouldn’t say they’ve admired — but have respected what we’ve done over the past couple of years. For us, the challenge is to keep earning that respect.
“But everyone knows Origin is different and it’s a tough game. We just have to strive continually to be better than last year. It takes a lot of hard work and we need everyone’s support.
“We will come out the other side. Sometimes it mightn’t happen as quickly as you want it to happen.”
Considering two of the three games are in Brisbane this year, we can’t see it happening for the Blues for at least another year.
Until then, it’s going to be just like another annual event: Groundhog Day. Only without the laughs and the happy ending.
Gunners On Target For FA Cup
If you’re reading this, chances are you weren’t born the last time Arsenal won a major piece of silverware. Back then, Adam Ant was top of the charts, Argentina had just invaded the Falklands, and Jimmy Saville was “fixing it” for scores of “lucky” youngsters up and down Britain.
OK, maybe it wasn’t that long ago, but if you’re a regular BBM reader, then chances are you at least have the mental age of someone who wasn’t born the last time Arsenal won a trophy that didn’t have the words “Longest Serving Manager” engraved on the side.
But what’s this? Could it be true? Have Arsenal really been given the cup-equivalent of an open goal after being pitted against Hull in this year’s FA Cup final on 17th May? Well considering how much effort it took for them to see off Championship team Wigan in the semi-final, we perhaps wouldn’t take victory for granted, but considering they’ve already beaten Hull twice this season – including a 3-0 away spanking last month – we don’t think Mrs Doubtfire’s team of would-be tigers will be too troubling for Arsene Wenger’s touring shop window of talented youngsters. Especially as Hull will be without two of their main strikers – Nikica Jelavic and Shane Long, who are both cup-tied.
“We have got through to the cup final without them,” said Mrs Doubtfire (AKA Steve Bruce). “There is no doubt that they gave us something extra at the top end of the pitch so we will have to find a way to work without them.”
Meanwhile, Wenger is truly getting into the cup spirit by issuing the traditional “the cup is different to the league” cry beloved of obvious-statement-making top four managers for the last two decades.
“The Cup final is a completely different game,” Wenger parroted while dusting off Arsenal’s trophy cabinet.
French Resistance To A Big Fat Joke
Lord knows the French are a sensitive bunch. Whether it’s Eric Cantona overreacting to a harmless comment from a Crystal Palace fan, or the French president responding to the UK and USA invading foreign countries under false pretences, they simply love an excuse to get dramatic.
So you’d think Burger King would be a bit more switched on than to try and milk some publicity out of a French player who is known for (how do we put this politely?) being a fat bastard.
Marseille striker Andre-Pierre Gignac, one of the leading scorers in Ligue 1, is known for his “stocky” physique, with many supporters affectionately mocking his size by singing “A Big Mac for Gignac” in the stands.
So Burger King thought they were being hilarious when they opted to include his name to front their new Whopper burger promotion, changing the song to “a Whopper for Gignac”. Not only does it not work as a joke, or rhyme, it’s also pissed off the big-boned striker so much that he’s threatening to sue. Imagine how many KFC family buckets he’ll buy if he wins.
It’s not the first time the porky poacher has hit headlines.
In 2011, it was reported former manager Didier Deschamps sent Gignac to a week-long weight-loss programme in Italy as he was unhappy with the frontman’s size. Apparently his excuse of “it’s me thyroids” just didn’t cut it.
Strangely, for a whale, he’s actually quite prolific. The 28-year-old has scored 35 times in just over 100 games since signing for Marseille in 2010 and has been capped 17 times by his country. Last summer, he was even a reported target for Newcastle – one of the few European cities where he would be considered “dangerously underweight” compared to the local population.
China At The Double In Crucible Quest
For quite some time now, the Chinese have been hooked on the adrenaline-fuelled thrill-fest that is professional snooker. In fact, the sport has caught on so much that the snooker-loopy nation has been trying to convince the game’s governing body to hold the World Championship in Beijing.
So far, that dream has always been denied, with World Snooker arguing that the Crucible in Sheffield is, and always will be, the home of the game. You’d think that’d be the end of the matter, but those crazy Chinese bastards have come up with a loophole to get around this little inconvenience – by building an exact replica of The Crucible on the outskirts of Beijing. Now if they just create two shit football clubs and get Pulp to play at the opening, it’ll be just like a mini-Sheffield. Seems only fair considering how many China towns there are in major cities across the world, at least this way the Chinese have a suburb to go to for authentic Yorkshire puddings and knock-off DVDs of the Full Monty.
“They’ve built a replica of the Crucible just outside Beijing in this amazing leisure resort. They say: ‘Why can’t we have the World Championship here? It’s still the Crucible’,” said Barry Hearn, chairman of World Snooker.
“It just shows you there are no lengths to which the Chinese people won’t go to actually having the best on their own doorstep. They’ve copied the Crucible and, if anything, it might be slightly better!”
Nonetheless, Hearn said there was far more to it than that, saying that on his watch the World Championship would always be held in Sheffield and that the sport would always remain uninspiring and dull.
“You don’t move Wimbledon and you don’t move the Crucible,” he said while doffing his flat cap and tying his whippet to the bar. “As a traditionalist, I don’t want to see any changes to that.”
Impressionist Booked For Club
In one of the more bizarre bookings we’ve come across, a Swedish footballer was shown a yellow card last month for doing an impression.
Well OK, that’s not technically true. He actually got booked for tucking the ball under his shirt as it bounced up in front of him from a chip-pass – but to BBM’s eyes, it made him a dead ringer for big, fat Sam Allardyce.
Midfielder Jan Gunnar Solli, who plays for Swedish club Hammarby, attempted the mad move with his team leading 5-0 against Degerfors. We’re not sure what his plan was. Maybe he thought if he looked pregnant, the opposition would be too afraid to tackle him and he could simply walk the ball into the net. Or maybe, with the match already in the bag, he was just being a cocky knobsack.
Anyway, the showboating fool was immediately booked by the referee and then copped a mouthful from a pissed-off Degerfors player.
It’s not the weirdest booking we’ve seen though. Who can forget Zaire’s Mwepu Ilunga’s yellow card in a match against Brazil in the 1974 World Cup? While waiting to defend a free-kick in a dangerous position, Ilunga came up with a unique plan for dismissing the danger – charging out of the wall and booting the ball to kingdom come before it had even been touched by the bemused Brazil players.
Paul Gascoigne was famously booked for jokingly showing referee Dougie Smith a yellow card after the official had dropped them on the pitch.
And Joey Barton has gone in the referee’s notebook several times purely for being an immense arsehole.
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