IT’S transfer window time, people, which can only mean one thing – inflated prices for shit players because teams are desperate for cover of their injured minions. In other words, it’s harvest time for Harry Redknapp.
And rather than write a million stories on who’s rumoured to be interested in who, we thought we’d do a bit of a round up on each of the Premier League clubs. So here you go:
Easily-predictable Arsene Wenger doesn’t believe in competition for places and will no doubt back his team of fragile youngsters by not buying cover. This will work well until Man Utd beat the shit out of them and the Gunners kids go crying all the way through a three-match losing streak that condemns them to yet another third-place finish. He might, and we stress the word ‘might’, bring someone in up front while Van Persie’s out.
Possible departures: Jack Wilshere and Fran Merida could go on loan.
Rainmanesque Martin O’Neill for once has quality and cover – unfortunately some of the cover is shit quality, so he’ll have to offload first if he’s going to bring anyone else in.
Nicky Shorey and Marlon Harewood are dispensible while Emile Heskey wants more first team football.
He’s a lucky bastard Alex McLeish. After being given the cash to buy a Premier League side for the Championship last season, he’s now been given shitloads to keep them there following Carson Yeung’s takeover. Kevin Kuranyi, Milan Jovanovic and Michel from Sporting Gijon are on the radar together with a new left back – Paul Konchesky from Fulham.
Some fringe players could go, such as Kevin Phillips, Lee Carsley, Gary McSheffrey, Marcus Bent and possibly Damien Johnson.
BIG fat Sam Allardyce has a history of taking once-great players who’ve gone to shit and then making them good again. Unfortunately, the job at Liverpool isn’t available.
He’s being linked with Ruud Van Nistelrooy, although it’s unlikely he’ll make any major changes as he’s strapped for cash.
Benni McCarthy might fuck off though.
WHOEVER takes over at Bolton, from the fans presumably, will make keeping hold of Gary Cahill top of the priority list. Fortunately, only the daft-spending Man City would consider paying the £15million he’s up for.
CHEEKY Bolton-wantaway Owen Coyle has already put in an audacious bid for Arsenal wunderkind Jack Wilshere on loan and David Nugent’s loan from Portsmouth could become permanent.
WE don’t get this. Chelsea have fought like cash-wielding rabid monkeys to have their transfer ban temporarily lifted for January. What for? So that Carlo Ancelotti can insist they won’t be signing anyone in January. Go figure. Despite that claim, Ancelotti could do with a striker and cover during the African Nations Cup, with Sergio Aguero a long-term target.
WHEN he lands in London, Landon Donovan’s Everton bound. Try saying that with a mouth full of $5 steak. Unfortunately, David Moyes can only dream of splashing out $5 in a pub so will have to stick with the crocked players he’s already got.
ROY Hodgson has defied the critics (mainly BBM) and actually done a decent job at Fulham. He could do with some cover for his stretched Euro stars though and he’s in the market for a defender (Alan Hutton) and a striker (fuck knows).
Eddie Johnson, Seol Ki-Hyeon, Fredrik Stoor, Toni Kallio and David Elm could be moved on.
WITH Hull’s new chairman Adam Pearson performing a double take at the Tiger’s wage bill and then letting his eyes pop out to the sound of a spring uncoiling, the emphasis at the KC Stadium is to get rid of players rather than bring them in. Nathan Doyle, Caleb Folan, Peter Halmosi and Daniel Cousin are the favourites to go. Why anyone would want them is another matter.
THE Reds desperately need back up for Fernando Torres – but don’t worry folks, Rafa Benitez is on the case. So which young, inspiring, hotshot names are being whispered around Anfield? Emile Heskey and Ruud van Nistelrooy. Oh dear. It gets worse, Scott Parker is also on the hitlist.
ROBERTO Mancini seems convinced he can win the Premier League with a flick of his magic wand. A scan of a credit card would be more appropriate though as City need cover at centre half for the injured Joleon Lescott and Kolo Toure, who’s on African Cup duty.
Almost-forgotten Benjani Mwaruwari will probably head off after being given fuck-all chance at Eastlands.
SIR Alex Ferguson does not intend bringing anyone because there is no “value” in the market – which basically means he’s been fucked over by the Glazers. United keep being linked with Edin Dzeko but the striker keeps whoring himself to AC Milan.
DON’T make us laugh. Pompey can’t bring anyone in because of a transfer embargo on the cash-strapped club. Loans might be a possibility though. In terms of outgoings, everything must go to balance the books. Luckily, most of the players are so shit no-one wants them.
GOBLIN-FACED Tony Pulis could make a cheeky bid for Scott Parker. That’s it though. Stoke are boring.
SUNDERLAND boss Elephantman Bruce is expected to sign Maynor Figueroa from Wigan but has been told Tottenham centre-back Michael Dawson is not available.
Kenwyne Jones and Anton Ferdinand could go for the r
BRAZILIAN prospect Sandro should arrive from Internacional. Harry Redknapp does not need much else but the crafty cockney will monitor the market (i.e mind the stall) like all good wheelers and dealers. David Bentley and Roman Pavlyuchenko are both willing and desperate… to leave.
WEST Ham are in the fortunate position of not being in as an unfortunate a position as some other clubs in the division. While this may make little sense, it does mean Hammers manager Gianfranco Zola has a slight chance of getting funds for a striker to support Carlton Cole.
ROBERTO Martinez’s Jekyll and Hyde side have been linked with Waldo Ponce, the defender from Velez Sarsfield in Argentina. He could look for other defenders and will take Sporting Lisbon goalkeeper Vladimir Stojkovic on loan.
STUPIDER like a fox Mick McCarthy claims to be happy with his squad. He’s either blatantly lying or suffers from a severe mental problem. Would like to add Villa midfielder Craig Gardner and striker Leon Best from Coventry.