An Indian guru is close to smashing Jesus Christ’s record for the number of days spent dead before coming back to life.
His Holiness Shri Ashutosh Maharaj was pronounced clinically dead by doctors in January, but like some twisted version of Monty Python’s parrot sketch, his disciples insist he’s not dead, he’s just reached the deepest level of meditation ever achieved and will spring back to life in a matter days.
Expecting their master’s imminent return to earthly consciousness, Maharaj’s devotees have stored his body in a commercial freezer to simulate the freezing Himalayan environment they believe is the traditional setting for yogis who reach this ultimate stage of transcendence. It probably helps with the smell, too.
“We are very certain that he is alive and we believe he will be coming back to us very soon,” a deluded young male disciple dressed in army fatigues said outside one of the yogi’s meditation centres in south Delhi.
But while his believers have unwavering faith in his resurrection, some more cynical people have suggested the real reason they refuse to admit to his death is because they fear their religion will fall apart without his decomposing hand to guide them.
The guru’s wife and son, with whom he had been estranged for decades, share a more orthodox diagnosis of the renowned spiritual leader’s inanimate state.
“He is dead,” says S.P. Soi, the lawyer representing the family. “He has been lying in a freezer for the last four and a half months!
“If people believe he is alive, then people will keep giving money. If he is dead, then they are afraid there is no way to keep the Divya Jyoti Jagrati Sansthan movement alive.”
But like a spiritual version of Weekend at Bernies, Maharaj’s followers are steadfastly refusing to accept the facts – which technically makes it just like every other world religion.
“How could anyone possibly suggest the cremation of a living saint who has achieved samadhi,” said Maharaj’s aide. “Let us instead wait for him to wake up and speak to us of his journey.”
We get the feeling they could be waiting a long time…

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