BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very very special way…

CAPRICORN

You’re apprehended by police after castrating the band Five Seconds of Summer. However, not only do they let you off with a wink and a pat on the back, they also let you keep the necklace you made from the band’s testicles.

PISCES

After a few schooners with your mates down the pub, setting the world to rights and arguing over whether you’d do Dannii Minogue, you get into a drunken debate about politics. The next hour or so is a bit blurry but when you wake up the next morning, you find a beer coaster under your pillow with a solution to the Israel-Palestine conflict scrawled on the back in biro. You send it to United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon and, six months later, the conflict is over and you win the obel peace prize.

AQUARIUS

You find a used pregnancy test kit in your girlfriend’s handbag. Worryingly, it’s positive. Even more worryingly, you’ve not had sex with her yet.

LIBRA

After a few schooners with your mates at the football, setting the world to rights and arguing over whether you’d do Kylie Minogue, you get into a drunken debate about climate change. The next few hours are a bit blurry but when you wake up the next morning, you find a draft message on your phone that explains a simple way to reverse the human impact on global warming while also creating new industries and economies for governments across the world at no cost. Six months later, your policies have been universally accepted and the world has been saved from the ravages of climate change.

TAURUS

After a month saying things like “the warning signs were there when he left Take That” and “Gary Barlow has blood on his hands”, a friend explains to you that it was actually “Robin” Williams who committed suicide.

ARIES

Are you sick of your friends calling you a gullible idiot just because you read horoscopes? Well prove them wrong by taking Crystal Balls’ “Gullibility Begone!” course. It’s usually $1000 for this insitensive 22-minute workshop, but the first 50 to apply will get a 90 percent discount. That’s right, for just $100 your gullibility will officially be a thing of the past – and you’ll have a certificate to prove it. Post your cheques to BBM Towers right now before the offer ends.

SAGITTARIUS

After a few schooners with your mates down the beach, setting the world to rights and arguing over which Minogue sister would be better in the sack, and which one you’d do first, you get into a drunken debate about philosophy. The next hour or so is a bit blurry but when you wake up the next morning, you find a torn piece of toilet paper with writing on it that gracefully explains the meaning of life, our place in the universe and what happens when we die. A local publisher agrees to print your words and, six months later, the whole world has discarded religion in order to embrace the peace and social harmony proposed by your new philosophy, thrusting mankind into a golden age of cultural and scientific advancement that lasts until the end of time.

LEO

You’re sat at home watching yet another repeat of Channel 10 drama Offspring when a smoke grenade crashes through your window. You’ve barely time to cover your mouth and nose when several heavily armed riot police break down your door, rugby tackle you, then handcuff you while kneeling on your back. It seems you forgot to return a library book a couple of months ago. It’s Christmas Island for you (for anyone who hasn’t been in Australia long, Christmas Island is very misleadingly named).

SCORPIO

Some advice. Help ease the grieving process for your distraught family by purchasing life insurance before September 25th.

CANCER

I’m sorry, but due to a High Court super injunction I can’t tell you what happens between you and a high-profile, secretly bisexual, former Premier League footballer this week. Let’s just say you’ll never walk alone again, and you won’t be able to sit down for a week.

GEMINI

You start excreting a thick yellowy substance from your nether regions, and take a trip to the clinic only to discover your one night stand works there.

VIRGO

All right smart arse, you’ve been telling everyone that horoscopes are a load of crap. If that’s true, how come I know it’s your birthday soon. Check mate. Eat that Derren Brown!