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BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very, very special way…

Taurus

That little white lie you put on your CV comes back to bite you when your boss asks you to use your five years of hostage negotiation training to resolve a tense situation involving the company chairman and five heavily-armed ISIS terrorists.

Libra

An overhead microphone catches you making a poor joke about Syrian refugees and the Murdoch press calls for your immediate resignation from the role of Trade Minister. Your attempts to point out that you’re not the Trade Minister, and have never been involved in politics, fall on deaf ears as the paparazzi photograph your every move. The Daily Telegraph even runs a front-page photo of you with the simple words “Trade Minister Scum” written underneath. After a week of hell, the Telegraph finally relents and prints a 24-word apology in a corner of page 25 – but Andrew Bolt refuses to back down from the comments in his column where he describes you as a “political parasite” who deserves to be viciously beaten by anyone who sees you walking the street. A week later, you’re viciously beaten by someone who spots you walking in the street.

George Foreman’s Scorpio

Fresh from his success with the George Foreman Grill, the popular pugilist decides to turn his entrepreneurial skills to the zodiac world by using his name to promote the fitness benefits of the Scorpio brand – which he claims now contains 20 per cent less fat.

Cancer

Due to an administrative error at Roads and Maritime Services, you are officially designated as a road traffic accident blackspot. As a result, council workers install a large warning sign to your chest featuring the words “slow down” written in black on yellow. You are also visited by several emotional families who take turns to cellotape wilting bouquets of flowers to your body.

Leo

After making it to the final two candidates for a new job at work, you’re surprised to discover that your main rival for the role is former WWE wrestling superstar Jake “The Snake” Roberts. Things take a
further unexpected turn when you’re called in for one final interview. Midway through the chat, your interviewer is called by Bret “The Hitman” Hart and, while he’s distracted, Jake “The Snake” sneaks into the room and smashes you over the head with a steel chair. When the interviewer sees you lying unconscious on the floor, he has no choice but to count you out and award the job to Jake “The Snake”.

Sagittarius

You apply for the role of “supervisor” at work but your credentials are called into question when you list “super vision” as two words under a list of skills on your CV. In a subsequent test to see if you can see through walls like Superman, you fail and are immediately dismissed from the company.

Gemini

After a poor run of defeats, your star sign is in danger of being relegated from the Zodiac Premier League. As a result, the Gemini board hire Dave Bassett as a director of football to try and steady the ship. From now on, every decision you make has to get Bassett’s seal of approval first – or at least a thumbs-up from his assistant John Fashanu. Awooga!

Pisces

You shock colleagues at work by quitting your job to pursue a career in the NFL. Six months and several expensive plane trips across the USA later, your dream becomes a reality when you’re hired as an assistant stadium cleaner by the Tennessee Titans.

Capricorn

You write a hit novelty pop song called ‘There’s No Need For Noodles (So Let’s Have Risotto Instead)’ which features a rap from perennial Noel Edmonds collaborator Mr Blobby.

Virgo

DNA testing proves you’re the illegitimate child of the two male actors from ‘90s teen sitcom My Two Dads.

Aries

When a new poll puts Aries 10 points behind Taurus on a two-party preferred Zodiac, a leadership spill is called. You become a surprise front runner due to your hard-line stance on Pisces encroachment into late March and a hatred of noisy people on trains. Just when it looks like you might win, Kevin Rudd leaks to the press that you used to be a member of the Young Leo Party as a student and your popularity plummets.

Aquarius

You break the record for the world’s shortest horoscope. Congratulations! Doh, by writing ‘congratulations’ you now no longer have the shortest horoscope