BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very very special way…
GEMINI
You’ve always been my favourite sign of the zodiac Gemini. You keep yourself to yourself but I like the cut of your jib. Talented, good-looking, charming, you really have the whole package going on there… oh bugger this, I’ll come right out with it: can I borrow $200?
VIRGO
After watching the film Lucy starring Scarlett Johansson, you decide to take an illegal narcotic rumoured to improve brain capacity by five per cent. Unfortunately, seeing as your brain capacity is already five per cent lower than everyone else’s, it just makes you a normal person for a few hours. You spend the time enjoying pleasant conversation and saliva control. When the effects wear off, you revert back to your usual Neanderthal routine of watching reality TV shows and masturbating over celebrities.
AQUARIUS
Go to bed Aquarius, you look bloody knackered.
LIBRA
You accidentally nod off for a couple of hours on the train to Kings Cross. When you wake up, you’re in downtown Kabul. You spend the next three months fighting off Islamic State insurgents with a rolled-up copy of mX as you make your way to Syria in a desperate bid to catch the south-east line from Aleppo to Cronulla.
ARIES
You need to get that mole on your face removed immediately. It’s not cancerous, it just makes you look horrible.
LEO
You’ve been hinting to your parents for the last month about how much you’d like an X Box One for Christmas this year, so imagine your surprise when you discover they’ve bought you a playful macaque monkey instead. Apparently it was a bad line on Skype and they got confused. So instead of playing Fifa 15 with your mates on Boxing Day, you’ll instead be cleaning monkey crap off the walls and answering serious questions from Animal Welfare officers.
SCORPIO
It’s a traditional Christmas for you Scorpio, spent crying alone in your bedroom wondering why no one loves you. In fact that’s also a traditional Friday night for you.
CANCER
You don’t get up to much this month. In fact, you spend most of it putting off chores and masturbating instead. The only productive thing you do is come with a humorous word to describe this activity: “procastibation”. You’re so amused by this play on words that you decide to email it to Viz in the hope of getting it into the Profanisaurus. Perhaps inevitably, you choose to have a wank instead.
CAPRICORN
“I go on too many dates, but I can’t make ‘em stay, at least that’s what people say, uhhm hmmm” croons inoffensive pop princess Taylor Swift before urging everyone to “shake it off”. Unfortunately, after a few too many “dates” of your own this month, you end up with a virulent strain of crabs that are nigh impossible to shake off and just as infectious as Swift’s sugary, summer hits.
PISCES
Looks like you’re struggling for ideas when it comes to Christmas shopping this year, so why not give your friends and family the greatest gift of all – by shutting that stupid mouth of yours for 24 hours. Put a bag over your head to make it a complete Christmas. No one wants to stare at that ugly mug while they’re eating a mince pie.
TAURUS
Every year you make a couple of New Year resolutions, and every year you break them within a month. This year you resolve to lose weight and stop reading horoscopes. See you in February, fatty.
SAGITTARIUS
At this time of year, it’s always good to spare a thought for those less fortunate than ourselves. And when it comes to signs of the Zodiac, that means you Sagittarius. You’re the Ebola-ridden ugly cousin of the horoscope – and Leo, Pisces, Gemini and a couple of the other more popular star signs are currently writing a Christmas jingle to raise awareness of your unfortunate state. So chin up Sagittarius, despite the crappy hand life has dealt you and your ugly face, you can at least expect to hear a slightly patronising
