BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very very special way…
Capricorn
You meet and fall in love with an Australian woman who is several years older than you. Ordinarily we’re all for a bit of trans-generation loving but this is not just any old cougar on the prowl, it’s former Grease heartthrob Olivia Newton John. Careful though, cuz this octogenarian Antipodean is only after one thing – your cash. The reason? She’s got bills, they’re multiplying. Oh Sandy. She’s not bad for her age but be warned; any attempts to “get physical” will only result in a very expensive hip operation for the 103-year-old former Travolta shagger. Tell me about it… stud.
Sagittarius
If I’ve said it once I’ve it a thousand times – fuck off Sagittarius.
Virgo
After being dumped by your girlfriend, you decide to dedicate your spare time to answering one of the great scientific questions of the age: Is it possible to wank yourself to death? Tune in next month to find out!
Gemini
You enter a competition and win backstage passes to meet your favourite band. Score! Unfortunately your favourite band is The Proclaimers, and backstage is basically the back alley behind the pub where they play for spare change. Worse still, they’ve been kicked out of their apartment and haven’t got anywhere to stay. Six months later, they’re still sleeping on your bedroom floor and moaning about how Jedward copied their idea – “The pair a wee Irish bassards.” Serves you right for being the zodiac sign of the twins Gemini, ya big Scotch-sibling-loving nonce.
Cancer
The curvacious MILF from next door comes over to borrow some sugar. Oh mama. She can dunk her sugary lumps in your teapot anytime. Phwoar! The little minx has got her bra strap visible too. She’s clearly giving you the come on. So, when she says “thank you” and that if you ever need help with anything, just let her know – you immediately whip out your cock. You spend the next six to eight months in jail.
Aquarius
Whatever happened to you Aquarius. You used to be cool man.
Taurus
This week you get worried when your period is late and you set about trying to remember which bloke it was you last let loose in your sperm recepticle, however panic soon subsides when your doctor informs you there is no way your period would ever be late, as your name is Bill and you’re a man. Lay off the absynth.
Leo
“It’s all right, baby’s coming back!” once crooned Annie Lennox on the Eurythmics song of the same name. We’re not sure why we’re telling you this as it’s got nothing to do with your horoscope. This month you’re molested by a large homosexual gentleman in a pub toilet. Funnily enough, he does have a similar shaved red-head haircut to the one Lennox sports in the Sweet Dreams video. Maybe that’s where we got it from.
Libra
You give up on your dream of becoming a fireman and get a job writing obituaries. After a few weeks, you begin to develop a strange superpower – you can see how and when people die. Who knew!? You find out that your own death is close, really close, in fact you’re going to die in about two seconds. Turns out you’ve passed out in a burning house during your job as a fireman and the obituary writing thing is all a dream. You have a split second to savour the irony before being turned into something that Australia and England would happily play a cricket series for.
Pisces
You meet the love of your life on the train to work when you both reach for the same handrail and your eyes lock. Oh the magic! As you take a good gawp at her tits, she places her hand on your arse. It’s like you were made for each other. You ask her for her number and just like a scene out of a movie, she scrawls it on your arm with a pen. You alight the train with a spring in your step, a new lust for life and the realisation that the crafty bitch nicked your wallet. To make matters worse the number she gave you was for an STD clinic – she’s somehow managed to give you herpes! What a woman.
Aries
You decide it’s time to teach your boss a lesson. You arm yourself with a fake gun from the $2 shop and try to sneak in to his house through the catflap. Alas, your cunning plan doesn’t account for the fact that you’re a fat bastard. You get stuck. Worse still, his cat is in heat and decides to make sweet sensual feline love to your face all night long. When your boss sees your semen-stained head the next morning he laughs his ass off. Then fires you.
Scorpio
Sick to death of your Facebook feed being clogged up with old school friends complaining about the weather, you resolve to kill and gut each one of them on your next trip back to the UK. Happy hunting!
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