Crystal balls August Advice ColumnNo problem’s too big or small, so if you have a problem and you want some advice then don’t be afraid to write to our resident psychic Crystal. You can send submissions to [email protected]

Dear Crystal,
I was out clubbing last weekend when I saw the girl of my dreams. I went up to her, asked her for a drink and, to my joy, she said yes. We had a great time, a bit of a snog, then I got her number and she went home. I’m meeting her for a proper date this weekend, but there’s a problem. It’s my job. I don’t know how to tell her, but I’m a professional begger. I dress in charity store clothes and sit outside Kings Cross train station with a cardboard sign around my neck explaining my sob story. Occasionally, if it’s a slow day, I pretend I’m being attacked by chimps, or start screaming that I’m on fire. I’m earning around $500 a day so I don’t really want to give it up – but what should I do?
Yours, Ben

Dear Ben,
$500 for sitting on your arse all day raving about imaginary monkeys?! Jesus, I’m in the wrong job. The answer to your solution is a simple one – but I’ll only tell you if you give me some advice on the best spots to beg. And to think when I used to work as a prostitute in the Cross I’d always look down on beggers.

Dear Crystal,
I’ve always admired your column. Your wit, insight and total lack of regard for the consequences of your often filthy advice is an inspiration to a young reader like myself. My question is how do I follow in your footsteps? I’d love to do something like this column, dispensing advice to those in need.
Yours, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Screw that, you can have my job if you really want it. Did you read that last letter? The streets of Kings Cross are paved with gold (and used condoms). If you really want to become an agony aunt, just remember the most important rule. Never, ever, allow yourself to be held legally accountable for the actions of those operating under your advice. I almost got in trouble once when I advised Miley Cyrus to come clean to the media about her affair with a famous cricketer. I’m still not legally allowed to say his name, but let’s just say if I was to take a “Punt” on who this former Australia captain is, it wouldn’t be “Tricky Pointing” him out of a line-up.

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