Write to our resident psychic Crystal to have all your problems solved! You can send submissions to [email protected].
Dear Crystal,
I’ve never had much luck with guys but a month ago I met a wonderful man through an internet dating site. I’ve been hurt before so I was taking things slow, but we’ve been on a few great dates since and I was on the verge of taking things to the next level. That was until I watched telly one night and saw him on Embarrassing Bodies. I don’t want to go into too much detail about what was wrong with him. All I’ll I say is it was in a sensitive area and it looked like an old shrivelled turnip with snot-looking pus coming out. Now I don’t know what to do. He’s a great guy, and it might have been cured, but the thought of that rotten turnip being planted in my vegetable patch turns my stomach. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I don’t want anything to do with THAT either. What should I do?
Yours,
Jodie
Dear Jodie,
That’s a tricky one. On the one hand, it’s tough finding a good bloke these days. On the other hand, you don’t want that diseased love truncheon coming anywhere near your junk. It comes down to one question – does he still have Frankenstein’s cock? Luckily for you, I know just the man to help. I met him at Central Station when I caught him trying to secretly take a photo up my skirt as I came down an escalator. Naturally I was flattered, and we were soon back at his place banging away. Afterwards, as I wiped myself down, he showed me the hundreds of upskirt photos he’d taken over the years, and even let me look at some of the hidden-webcam footage he’d gotten from various public toilets across the city.
He’s a master voyeur, and if anyone can help you find out what shits going down in your bloke’s trouser department before you get to the bedroom, he’s the man. Get in touch at his email address – [email protected].
Dear Crystal,
I need to catch a train from Kings Cross to Rhodes that arrives before 4pm. What time should I set off and do I need to change trains?
Yours,
Richard
Dear Richard,
Catch the 3.24pm train at Kings Cross, get off at Town Hall and get the 3.29pm train to Epping on platform two. That should get you into Rhodes at 3.56pm.
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