No problem’s too big or small, so if you have a problem and you want some advice then don’t be afraid to write to our resident psychic Crystal. You can send submissions to [email protected].
Dear Crystal,
Every day I wake up and look at my hubby while he sleeps and just think I’m the luckiest girl in the world but recently, something’s happened to jeopardise our wedded bliss. I started feeling itchy “down there” and went to the doctor’s. It turns out I have syphilis. You see, on my wedding night – after a few too many VBs – I shagged my new father-in-law.
I’ve always had a thing for older men (my hubby is 55 and I’m 22). His dad is 77, and when he took out his false teeth and leaned in to give me a congratulatory kiss, I knew I was powerless to resist his gummy charms. Moments later we were going at it on his orthopaedic bed. Now I just don’t know what to do. Please help?
Yours,
Sofia
Dear Sofia,
Nasty thing syphilis. I caught it once after a threesome with David Bowie and Mick Jagger. At least they said they were Bowie and Jagger but I can’t be sure because one of them sounded Irish. He may have been Bono. Actually, come to think of it, I think it might have been Irish Dave from the Poet and Castle round the corner. His mate looks a lot like an older Mick Jagger too. I hope this information helps.
Dear Crystal,
I work as a personal trainer in a gym but lately I just can’t stop getting stiffies every time I see women doing lunges. I should explain: it’s a gym for larger ladies and while I’ve never been a chubby chaser, I just can’t help but get off when I see them puff out their cheeks, plonk one leg in front of the other, lower their meaty buttocks close to the ground and watch their jellied thighs struggle under their gargantuan weight.
There’s only so many times I can carry a dumbbell around to hide my shame. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Travis
Dear Travis,
There’s a very simple cure to your ailment: you need to lie naked on a bed and watch the Vicar of Dibley on repeat. While you’re watching, monitor your cock growth with a camera phone. Take note of everything that causes your pathetic penis to enlarge: does it happen when the Vicar is helping her ditzy assistant? Are you getting aroused every time she talks to an elderly member of her parish?
Now you need to email the results to me. I’ll make sure to post them online, email it to your boss and your mum and then make sure to text it to your childhood sweetheart.
The repercussions of this will quite possibly ruin your life but it will be worth it because the whole thing will probably keep me entertained next Tuesday when I have to wait around at home between the hours of 8am and 5pm for the plumber to come round to unclog my toilet.
Dear Crystal,
I’ve gone from being a ten-tonne heifer to a bit of a looker in just a few weeks after I started a new diet. I’ve lost loads of weight and can wear nice tight-fitting clothes that turn the lads’ heads.
The problem is all my mates. THey’ve started avoiding me and won’t go on nights out when I’m there. I thnk they’re jealous. What should I do? Joanna, Darwin
Dear Joanna,
My advice to you is simple – fuck them! If they’re jealous because you look and feel good about yourself then they’re not really your friends.
Plus, now you’re beaufitul, you can get better and slimmer friends. Just be sure to look down on your old mates with scorn when you pass them munching on their burgers at Hungry Jacks.
Also visit – https://britishballs.com/funny-and-old-sport-news/Â
