No problem’s too big or small, so if you have a problem and you want some advice then don’t be afraid to write to our resident psychic Crystal. You can send submissions to [email protected].
Dear Crystal,
I’ve been going out with an Australian girl I met in Sydney for three months and I’m absolutely smitten. I met her in a club one night and we just clicked right away, it’s been a whirlwind romance ever since and every day we seem to fall more and more in love. The problem is I’m a backpacker, and my working visa runs out next month. We always knew this would be a short-term thing, but we didn’t think we would fall in love so quickly. Do you think we could maintain a long-distance relationship? I know it would be very difficult, but I just can’t bear the thought of leaving her forever. Please help.
Yours,
Jack
Dear Jack,
Ah, the course of true love never runs smooth, but in your case I think I may have a solution. The next few times you have sex with her, just pierce the condom with a needle beforehand and dump your load inside her. With a bit of luck she’ll get preggers and that’s when you strike. Tell her you want to be a provider for the rest of her life, then propose. With a bit of luck she’ll accept and, hey presto, suddenly you’ve got yourself an Australian visa. Once that’s sorted, you can always force her to have an abortion or give the baby away. It’s win-win all round.
Dear Crystal,
I’ve met a wonderful man in Australia and really want to tell my parents back in England about him, but I’m worried they won’t like him because of the age difference. He’s 35 and I’m 19, but he makes me so happy, I just hope my parents can see through the age thing.
Steve is a wonderful, patient loving guy and he’s so much more mature than men my age. He’s got so much life experience too, and has opened my eyes to so many things – like his white supremacist meetings and rampant homophobia. He’s also keen for me to try swinging with a half-a-dozen of his bikie mates, which worried me at first until he told me that Razor, Knuckles and the rest of the Comancheros gang were all kind and gentle lovers and would treat my teenage body with the respect it deserves.
Do you think I’ll be able to convince my parents Crystal? Any advice at all would be hugely appreciated.
Yours,
Tammy
Dear Tammy,
Sounds like you’ve got yourself a real keeper. If I was you, I’d tell your parents about your new fella before the bikie orgy, and be sure to mention the white supremacy thing too. Something tells me the situation will resolve itself pretty quickly after that.
Dear Crystal,
I’ve recently started dating someone, and we’ve already taken things to the next level. The love making is good, but I’m into quite adventurous sex and also have a fascination with reptiles.
Do you think he’ll weird out if I tell him that I’d like my pet tortoise to watch us whilst placed on the bedside table and put my iguana next to us, so I can stroke it whilst getting nailed?
Yours,
Janine
Dear Janine,
Quite frankly, I totally get what you mean about the iguana. The touch of their scaly skin is really quite tantilizing.
So basically if this Norman isn’t into your freaky lizard love, then kick him to the curb. There’s no room in such a fetish fiends’ life for such neglegence to these acute desires. P.S. Have you experienced the pleasures of a frilly necked lizard on your gizzard? I’d really recommend it with a side of salamander.
Check out your horoscopes here
Also visit – https://britishballs.com/funny-and-old-sport-news/Â
