Crystal Balls Horoscopes July 2013

BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very very special way…
Capricorn
You go to the cinema to watch Life of Pi and completely miss the point. Instead of feeling spiritually uplifted while questioning philosophy, religion and our place in the universe, you instead start a campaign to make man-eating tigers a requirement for all lifeboats.
Pisces
Sorry Pisces, there’s no way I’m doing your boring-as-shit horoscope while Macgyver’s on. It’s the one where he gets blinded when his boat explodes. Turns out his new girlfriend is secretly working for the big oil company he’s campaigning against. Excitement she wrote!
Gemini
You and your mate convince a couple of girls to go on a camping trip up the coast. Unfortunately, they both turn out to be quite prudish and you and your friend soon set your sights on a bunch of young ladies on holiday from the Chayste Place finishing school. The ringleader of the girls is blonde and bouncy Babs, but all of them are supervised by the ever-watchful , and slightly camp, Dr Soaper, who is fervently pursued by his lovelorn colleague, the school’s matron, Hattie Jacques. During an outdoor aerobics session, Babs’ bikini top flies off and hits Soaper in the chest and you give a dirty-old-man style laugh. Oh matron! In the end, some hippies arrive or something and it all goes a bit weird. I can’t remember the rest. I think Terry Scott gets shot in the arse.
Leo
Good things ahead for you Leo. Your performance in ‘Django Unchained’ was excellent and your performance in ‘The Great Gatsby’ was Oscar-worthy. You’ve also started knobbing that hot bird from Neighbours who stars alongside you in forthcoming movie ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’. Well done sir. PS – I loved you in Titanic!
It is basically just you rocking back and forth in a corner of a bar talking to yourself. Freak.
Cancer
The strange thing about Cancerians is that they share many characteristics with Giraffes – long necks, a predeliction for grazing and a haughty look when you try to shoo them away from eating the leaves on your tallest trees. You also give birth while standing up. And have sex with giraffes. On the plus side, your eyelashes look amazing.
Aquarius
Inspired by the saucy 70s Brit eroti-com, ‘Confessions of Window Cleaner’, you buy a sponge, bucket and ladder and set about your new profession. Unfortunately, the film proved somewhat misleading as instead of homes full of randy housewives gagging for it, the nearest sexual action you see is a bored German shepherd licking his own testicles.Sagittarius
You’ve always admired the checkout girl at Coles with the big mole on the side of her cheek. And what better way to tell her how you feel than by reading her a simple poem from the heart on Valentine’s Day. You old romantic. Your poem consists of only two lines: “I’m not put off by your mole, so let me in your hole.” Will it work? Only time will tell.
Aries
Oi! Stop wanking over porn on your phone while you’re reading this. It’s weird, especially as you’re in a pub. You always were the filthiest bastard of the horoscope Aries.
Libra
A trip to the dentist proves unexpectedly rewarding when they discover the lost Ark of the Covenant hidden in a small gap between your incisor and molars. It is the biggest archaeological discovery of its kind since the remains of Abraham Lincoln were found in the dental cavity of a Connecticut man suffering from gingivitis.
Virgo
Your marital status may change this week, either due to some pre-planned marriage type thing, or possibly just a clerical error on a car insurance quote form. Either way, the name “Jude” will have some significance today and may be the very thing you’ve been yearning for. Oh wait no, we’ve just realised we’re watching the end credits to the remake of Alfie. God that was a shit film.
Taurus
You do a poo that looks exactly like the late Amy Winehouse. Is she trying to contact you from beyond the grave? It’s certainly a possibility, so you decide not to flush the evidence and make your toilet “A shrine to Winehouse”, with Back to Black played on loop and pictures of Amy sellotaped around the rim. For $15, Winehouse fans can come and see your fascinating faeces and, for an extra $5, they can get their photo taken with it. Unfortunately, it’s not quite the money-making venture you’d hoped it would be and you’re evicted by your landlord soon afterwards.
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