Crystal is always here (except when she’s being a cougar about town, showing the young women of today how to grind up against the guys) to help answer your problems. Our agony aunt-come-psychic knows best when it comes to problems …

The Curse Of The Dead Celebrity

Dear Crystal,
My girlfriend gets very upset whenever a celebrity dies and won’t have sex with me for a few weeks out of respect. Unfortunately they’ve been dropping like flies recently. It started with Robin Williams in August, then Dickie Attenborough copped it a few weeks later. Now that Lynda Bellingham’s popped her clogs I’m worried I won’t get my end away until bloody Christmas. Please help. Yours sincerely, Chris

Dear Chris,
You could actually turn this to your advantage. Try and convince her that sex can be a celebration of a celebrity’s life. Maybe suggest a game of “strip” Jumanji, for example, or dress up as a sexy Patch Adams. You could even offer to eat Oxo cubes off her naked body as a tribute to Bellingham. If you’re really lucky, Ron Jeremy will die soon and you’ll get to have a lesbian threeway in his honour.

Mr & Mr

Dear Crystal,
A couple of weeks ago I went up town with my friends and we ended up in a night club. I started dancing with this really sexy tall blonde and, well, one thing led to another and we ended up at her place. I was pretty drunk so it’s all still a bit of a blur, but we’ve met up a couple of times since then for drinks. The thing is, she’s not been quite as “forward” as she was that first night and there are a couple of other odd things about her. My suspicions were first aroused when I used her bathroom and noticed she’d left the toilet seat up. Then we passed a friend of hers on the street who called her Steve (which she told me was short for Stephanie). Suddenly a lot of other odd little things caught my attention: the broad shoulders, her love of cigars, her firm understanding of the offside rule. Also, my arse has been pretty sore since that first, and only, night we slept together. Am I missing something here? Yours, Justin

Dear Justin,
Wake up and smell the big throbbing penis. Your sheila is a he-la. The real question is: are you really that dumb, or so deep in the closet you’re practically in Narnia?

 An Impossible Question

Dear Crystal,
When? Will I? Will I be famous?
Love Lee

Dear Lee,
I can’t answer. I can’t answer that.