Crystal Balls advice columnCrystal is always here (except when she’s being a cougar about town, showing the young women of today how to grind up against the guys) to help answer your problems. Our agony aunt-come-psychic knows best when it comes to problems involving women, work, and shitty shoes.

Dear Crystal,
I love my girlfriend very much. She’s smart, funny and attractive – but her fanny looks and smells like a hairy bucket of fish guts. What can I do?


Dear James,
I get a lot of letters from men about this, and the simple fact is if you get rid of the fluff around the muff, the smell will take care of itself. Providing she showers regularly. But how do you trim her less-than-fragrant forest without her noticing? Simple. Buy her a vibrator then suggest “spicing things up” in the bedroom by blindfolding her. Once she’s enjoying herself, slowly stop using the vibrator and start using your electric razor. With a bit of luck she’ll think you’re just teasing her, not pruning her.

Dear Crystal,
My ex-boyfriend is trying to blackmail me into getting back with him by threatening to put a sex tape we made on his webcam on the internet. I don’t know what I ever saw in the lying creep. What should I do?


Dear Sarah,
I faced a similar situation involving London mayor Boris Johnson a couple of years ago. The only difference was it was me blackmailing him (there’s just something about that Worzel Gummidge hair that sets my knickers dripping). He got out of it by paying me a lump sum and giving me the run of Kensington Palace at weekends, but assuming you don’t have unlimited wealth at your disposal, you’ll have to be more cunning. Lucky for you I have just the plan. First you need to find a virus-ridden website filled with the most degrading and illegal sex acts ever created by mentally disturbed perverts – I’m thinking men dressed as Jimmy Krankie sucking off white tigers while shoving heroin-induced hamsters up their sphincters and pushing their cocks into a hornets’ nest (i.e. a typical night at Kensington Palace for Boris and me). Then send a flirty message to your ex with a link to the website (tell him it’s a link to some lingerie or something). Not only will the virus fuck up his computer (and with a bit of luck destroy the sex tape), but if you call the police they will then search and confiscate his hard-drive, and put him on the sex offenders register. Problem solved.