BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very very special way…
ARIES
There are celebrations in Irish theme pubs across the world this month when Bono finally finds what he’s looking for. It was down the back of the sofa all along. That’s what you get for wearing shades indoors.
SAGITTARIUS
You win a competition for a dream trip to the Whitsundays. However, it swiftly becomes a nightmare when your private jet hits a storm and you are forced to make a crash landing on an island filled with genetically cloned dinosaurs who have escaped from their cages and now run amok. You and a rag tag group of survivors, including a bookish but attractive lady scientist and the bloke from Guardians of the Galaxy, have to outrun a T-Rex, outwit a horde of velociraptors, and outmanoeuvre pterodactyls to get to a jet boat on the other side of the island. Eventually,
you and a handful of others make it to safety and set sail for Cairns. Unfortunately, when you get there, Immigration Minister Scott Morrison says your application for asylum does not meet the necessary criteria to prove your life is at risk in your place of origin. He orders Customs officials to take you back to the island where you are instantly devoured by the prehistoric creatures.
CAPRICORN
After accidentally clicking the wrong button and changing your default search engine, you set a new world record of two days, 14 hours and 14 minutes of using Bing before getting frustrated enough to work out how to get it back to Google.
LIBRA
The housing market in Sydney becomes so expensive that just walking past a for-sale sign in the Eastern Suburbs incurs a $200 fee from the nearest real-estate agent. That means it’s less expensive to quit your job than travel to work every morning. Take that Joe Hockey!
VIRGO
Your awful dance moves on a night out with your mates are so bad that Eddie McGuire publicly criticises you on the Footy Show the next day. Purely from force of habit, he immediately apologises to the indigenous community for his comments before saying he’ll phone Adam Goodes personally to resolve the issue.
PISCES
You are possessed by the spirit of pint-sized pop pixie Prince. You spend the month singing in a girly voice, changing your name to a symbol and having your rib removed so you can give yourself oral sex.
TAURUS
With tensions growing between Russia, China and the West, yet more scandalous data from WikiLeaks informer Edward Snowden comes to light revealing potentially volatile information such as spy locations in the Ukraine as well as missile deployment on the eastern Russian border. Despite all these explosive revelations, however, your personal social media circle instead focuses on a relatively minor leak from the files, which reveals you once purchased the album Aquarium by Barbie Girl popsters Aqua. You quite rightly have the piss taken out of you for the rest of the month.
GEMINI
The shocked pop world goes into mourning when Taylor Swift takes ill and dies. Turns out her single Bad Blood wasn’t just another saccharine pop hit but a desperate cry for help about her battle with acute myeloid leukaemia. Even when she called an ambulance, the paramedics were prevented from doing their job by constant interruptions from Kanye West.
LEO
It’s been 16 years since Christine Aguilera first sang “I’m a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way”, and this month it finally dawns on you that she was talking about flicking her bean.
CANCER
Sorry Cancer, I can’t think up one for you. I mean, err, the spirit guides have blocked the path that leads to the sight of your future. Even my hex visions cannot pierce their magical fog, for the vagaries of their enchantments are too ethereal for a mortal to comprehend.
AQUARIUS
In a bid to outdo themselves with their shock series finales, the makers of fictional hit series
Game of Thrones decide to kill YOU off at the end of the next series – in real-life. In a surprise live episode, Arya Stark comes into your living room, stabs out your eyes and gorges on your blood. Bad news for you, but it really does make for fantastic television. Plus you get a selfie with the bloke who plays Tyrion so it’s not all bad news.
SCORPIO
Quit asking me about your future all the time. Jesus.

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