BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very very special way…
SCORPIO
Disappointment is in store this month when your performance as “Buttons” in the local panto production of Cinderella fails to earn a nomination for Best Supporting Actor at this year’s Oscars. To rub salt into the wound, the Oscar eventually goes to Kevin Spacey for his portrayal of Widow Twanky in a Nottingham Theatre production of Aladdin.
ARIES
Due to an administrative mix-up at Fifa, the right to host the 2022 World Cup is taken away from Qatar and instead given to you. Despite your initial protests, Sepp Blatter’s offer of $10billion to help build the necessary infrastructure proves too tempting. By the end of January, work has already begun on turning your bathroom into an 80,000 capacity state-of-the-art football stadium, with similar plans ahead for your living room, kitchen and linen closet. Despite the obvious problems, it’s still considered a more sensible idea than giving it to Qatar in the first place.
LEO
You finally admit defeat in your attempt to get the word “Leotard” registered as an obscene word on the basis that it’s offensive to Leos who suffer from mental impairments.
TAURUS
Inspired by hit show Breaking Bad, you decide to open a law firm called “Better Call Taurus”, dispensing questionable legal advice to the dodgiest ice-dealing members of the zodiac (like Libra and Scorpio). Your company catchphrase is: “No win, no fee… no bull”, and you use Bully from ‘80s quiz show Bullseye as your firm’s logo.
CANCER
Remember that film Sliding Doors where Gwyneth Paltrow just misses her train in one plot line but makes it in the other one? “If only I could tuuurn back time, if only I could say that I was in a Barbie world,” crooned Aqua on the soundtrack. Well something similar happens to you this month when you come so close to missing/catching your train that it could go either way. In fact, you technically do go either way as a faulty door actually cuts your arm off as you try to hold it open. And in a strange quirk of fate, one of the nurses hums that Aqua song as you’re carried to the emergency surgery department. Spooky.
LIBRA
Your attempt to lose weight gets a boost this month when you shed 6kg in the first week of your intense new fitness regime. Well done! Admittedly it’s not got much to do with the exercise, it’s more to do with the fact that you’re hit by a car while jogging and lose a leg.
CAPRICORN
After hearing good things, you decide to go and see Birdman this month. Not Birdman the film though, Birdman the homeless guy in Kings Cross who squawks like a parrot and flaps his arms up and down like wings. Funnily enough, you also have a nickname related to one of this year’s Oscar contenders – Nightcrawler: which is apparently what the prostitutes of Kings Cross call you due to your nocturnal habits.
AQUARIUS (brought to you by McDonald’s)
According to this horoscope’s new sponsors, McDonald’s, you’re in for a Mac-tastic January – and with McDonald’s’
great New Year offers, why wouldn’t you be? Whether you’re a Big Mac lover or a McFlurry kind of person, there’s something for everyone at Maccas. – and you’re in for a month you’ll never forget if you upgrade with our extra value meals. I’m lovin’ it!
PISCES
You prat.
GEMINI
It’s the moment you’ve been dreaming of – Harry Styles finally quits One Direction, meaning there’s an opening for a new member. Quicker than you can say “unintentionally hilarious audition tape”, the guys at Columbia Records have posted your visual application online and you become an overnight laughing stock.
SAGITTARIUS
Sorry Sagittarius, but I’ve forgotten the username needed to get into your horoscope account on my crystal ball. Does “Sagittarius” have two Ts or two Gs? I know it’s one or the other. Neither seemed to work and I’m locked out now. I’ve tried rebooting my crystal ball but no luck so far. I.T. are going to look into it and we should be good to go next month. Until then, read a magazine or something.
VIRGO
Sorry Virgo, but I’m locked out of my crystal ball for the month (see above), so I’ve had to go old school and do your horoscope by using tea leaves. When I asked about your month though the leaves just spelt out “What a c—t”. Bit cheeky but nonetheless accurate.
