As the wise German philosopher and thinker Friedrich Nietzsche once said in his essay “Der Wille Zur Macht” (The Will to Power) in 1901: “Every hole’s a goal”.
We think it was Nietzsche who said it anyway – if it wasn’t him it might have been Finchy from The Office.
Whoever it was, the old motto certainly applies to a dolphin researcher, who possibly counts blowholes among the “orifices” available to a would-be lover, after revealing that some of the frisky mammals got fresh with her as she studied them.
As part of her research back in the ’60s, Margaret Howe Lovatt flooded a house knee-deep with water (no, really), allowing “Peter the dolphin” to eat, bathe and sleep with her.
Almost inevitably, the pair became close. Possibly too close.
“Peter liked to be…with me,” said Lovatt. “He would rub himself on my knee, my foot or my hand and I allowed that. I wasn’t uncomfortable – as long as it wasn’t too rough.”
But dolphin-dating Margaret was quick to point out that she was not an active participant in anything sexual with Peter – which kind of makes it sound like she was sexually assaulted by a fish.
“It was sexual on his part – it was not sexual on mine, sensuous perhaps. I was there to get to know Peter, that was part of Peter,” she said while imagining his throbbing bottlenose pressed against her.
And if that doesn’t sound dodgy enough, the experiment was eventually banned after another researcher injected two dolphins with LSD. Bloody hippies.
Sadly, Peter the dolphin and Margaret broke up after the experiment, with Peter claiming personal hygiene was an issue. “I usually love the smell of fresh fish,” he squeaked while balancing a beach ball on his nose. “But she really needed a wash down there.”

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