1. Miley Cyrus puts her tongue back in her mouth, learns to wear more clothes and goes on to run for president of the USA. She comes a close second, after losing to Joey Essex, who momentarily forgets he’s not a US citizen, and the government shuts down again.
2. Katie Price will go on to birth another four children, feeling broody and loved up at the time, but will then decide to divorce her current husband. Next, she’ll embark on a relationship with a woman for a bit before enrolling in a nunnery and giving up with love completely. She’ll write a book about it, and be shagging Pete Burns by next November.
3. Justin Bieber will reveal he’s a homosexual and is actually in a loving and committed relationship with Usher. The two will marry next December in a Christmas-themed ceremony with entertainment in the form of a duet from the happy couple. Baby, Baby, Baby… YEAH!
4. Tulisa is freed from jail, and then appears in I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here to boost her public persona, she then ends up wanking off a horse whilst in the jungle, but it’s not a jungle trial and she’s sent back to jail.
5. Brad and Angelina sell all their children on eBay and flee the country. They’re found a few weeks later living in a caravan in Wales and eating beans out the tin, but they claim it’s “the happiest they’ve ever been!”
6. A fresh new boy band hits the airwaves, snatching away the attention of One Direction fans. With a distinct lack of record sales, One Direction are forced to quit miming and all get jobs at different fast food outlets. Harry Styles opts for KFC, claiming he’s always had a hankering for the Colonel’s secret recipe.
7. Susan Boyle starts a Metal band and sails straight to the top of the charts.
8. Little Mix all become hard drug users and decide to shave their heads. In a fleeting moment of insanity they rename their group ‘Little Shits’ and become hell-bent on destroying the X Factor. They succeed, but the music industry crumbles as a result, as people have forgotten how to listen to music without Simon Cowell approving it first.
9. After 23 years and numerous hours of extensive coaching, Kristen Stewart finally learns how to smile. It makes the 10 o’clock news and every country around the globe takes a minute of silence to appreciate what a miracle it is.
10. And Katie Hopkins… Keeps her mouth shut.
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