Is it just us, or does the theme tune to Dad’s Army play in your head whenever you watch the Socceroos on TV? The Aussie national team has more grey hairs on show than a werewolf Craig Foster (and with those eyebrows, we’re not convinced he ISN’T a werewolf). But shit SBS pundits with lycanthropy aside, we’re here to begrudgingly congratulate Holger Osieck’s team of geriatric world beaters after they – shockingly – came third in the race to qualify for next year’s World Cup (just behind Japan and hosts Brazil). They qualified in style, following a 1-0 HAMMERING of footballing giants Iraq. This, of course, came on the back of their 4-0 win over Jordan – who, just to give you an idea, probably play at a similar standard as the British boob-model who shares their name. So well done Socceroos, you’re not quite as shit as a country that’s been decimated by war for a decade, and another country with a name we usually associate with breasts. Huge, pendulous breasts.
“I think I speak for all the older guys on the squad – what better way to top off a long career than to play in a World Cup?” said Socceroos skipper Lucas ‘they don’t like it up em’ Neill. “But we won’t be there just to make up the numbers. We are there to go further than we have before and to make it very memorable.”
Fair enough Lucas, but perhaps “memorable” isn’t the best word to use considering half the squad will have dementia by the time the World Cup rolls on. In Neill and Sasa Ognenovski, the Socceroos will have a centre-half pairing with a combined age of over 70 by the time Brazil comes around. In other words, Osieck could call up Dame Edna and Mumm-Ra the Ever Living and they’d still have a lower average age than the current team. In summary, the Socceroos may have more wrinkles than Yoda’s cock, but they’re still better than Scotland.
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