Despite living in Australia for nearly five years, BBM has never been bitten by a venomous spider. Infact, the only time we’ve ever been bitten by anything in
Australia is when Lara Bingle’s rottweilers chased us off her back garden after we broke a restraining order. And although we lost a significant amount of
blood, we gained a pair of Lara’s knickers and a clothes peg. We call that success.
And so we turn to someone else who has triumphed through adversity: lady golfer Daniela Holmqvist. The LPGA Tour rookie was taking part in pre-qualifying at the Australian Open when she felt a sharp pain in her lower leg while on the fourth hole.
The Swede was doubled over in agony when caddies told her she had been bitten by a Black Widow, whose venom can kill an adult in under an hour.
At this stage BBM would have soiled ourselves, which is a good idea if you’re trying to shake a rottweiller off your leg, but probably not so good if you’ve just been bitten by one of the world’s most dangerous arachnids. Thankfully, Holmqvist is much calmer/ less incontinent than BBM and took a poo-free course of action – pulling a golf tee out of her pocket, gashing open her wound and squeezing out the poison.
“A clear fluid came out. It wasn’t the prettiest thing I’ve ever done, but I had to get as much of it out of me as possible,” said Holmqvist, which is what a lot of very drunk women say the morning after they’ve slept with BBM.
Miraculously, Holmqvist then just carried on round the course and recorded a round of 74 at the Canberra Golf Club as medics shadowed her. What a woman. Sounds like BBM has found someone new to stalk.
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