We’ve all seen the Geordie slappers up Newcastle wearing nothing but a short skirt and boob tube on a freezing cold January night. How they do it without dying of pneumonia (or an STD) has always remained a mystery. Until now.
Some light has been shed on the subject thanks to new research on animals in a similar climate and of approximately the same weight. According to Russian rescuers, they managed to save two circus elephants from dying in the Siberian winter by getting them drunk on vodka. Suddenly the Geordie enigma seems a lot clearer.
Apparently the elephants’ cage burned down after a petrol-powered heater in the van set fire to their straw. Amid temperatures of minus 35 degrees Celsius, the elephants “suffered a light frostbite to the tips of their ears” and, after the vodka, a sudden craving for a kebab and a shag down an alley.
To warm up the animals, the trainers “mixed two cases of vodka with warm water and gave them to the elephants,” a police official said. “They started roaring like if they were in the jungle! Perhaps, they were happy.”
And in more news about the rise of anti-social behaviour among elephants, villagers have attacked a police station in Nepal demanding officers shoot a rogue pachyderm that’s apparently killed four people. The elephant killed a couple and at least two other people last month in the villages bordering the Chitwan forest. Seeing as we’ve already proved that elephants share a lot of traits with Geordies, maybe someone should send Gazza in to calm the elephant down with a bag of sandwiches before he turns his tusks on himself.
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