Before last month, the most interesting thing about Gabriel Agbonlahor was a surname that sounds like it might be French for “I boned a whore.”
The Aston Villa non-striker has turned being consistently average into an art form and is about as controversial as a Wiggles concert for Christian Youth. Yet with one simple selfless act last month, Agnoblabore simultaneously united football fans of every stripe across the country while also receiving death threats from another influential cultural group. He’s basically become the Jesus Christ of football. So what was his crime? He tackled One Direction star Louis Tomlinson so hard that it made the teen-pop ponce throw up into his own hand at a charity match at a packed out Celtic Park.
“It was just one of those things. I’ll apologise to Louis when we meet up,” Aggybonbonlahor said. “I know he enjoyed playing in the game and it’s fantastic that he took time out to be here, and the same with everybody who played.”
But that failed to appease rabid Directioners who were baying for Aggrobonlahoor’s blood on Twitter, declaring a kind of teen-pop fatwa on the bemused player.
“This guy hurt Louis knee. I shall hurt your face. I better hear that you apologized or I will find you, and I will kill you,” tweeted one 1D fan. Another commented: “HURT LOUIS AND THE WHOLE ONE DIRECTION FANDOM WILL HURT U TOO. DIE of cancer Agbonlahor”.
In fairness to Agnoblabore, he barely touched the boyband brat – which led to our favourite tweet of the whole debacle: “CONFIRMED – Louis Tomlinson is set to be out of action for 4-6 months with a broken vagina.”
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