The Premier League youth team XI, more commonly known as Aston Villa, have bolstered their bid to be marginally better than three other clubs next season by signing Rip Van Winkle.
Van Winkle, more commonly known as Danish international footballer Jores Okore, signed a four-year deal with Villa last month. And he was so thrilled to be signing for the Midlands club that he fell asleep during his medical.
“I just wanted to get the MRI scan done quickly. Boy, was I wrong. I was in the scanner and started a two-hour session,” said the former FC Nordsjaelland star, who has seven caps.
“I have to remain completely quiet. I’m listening to the radio and I’m wondering what it will be like. How will my new life in Birmingham be? Will I speak English with a British twang? But I dozed off after half an hour and woke up an hour later.”
And the fun didn’t end there, with Okore thinking his MRI scan took a Buck Rogers-esque 10 years to complete – which is kind of funny because that’s how long Villa fans will have to wait before their team of pre-pubescent teenagers actually becomes decent.
“I am still in the scanner thinking, ‘Oh, this is taking up a decade’,” said 20-year-old Okore. “I’m starting to feel a bit on edge and want to find out how my agent is getting on with negotiations. Fortunately the scan is all fine.”
So there you have it folks, Paul Lambert’s plan to make Villa great again is to snap up as many young players as he can, put them in a scanner, freeze them for 10 years until they’re at their peak football age, and then unleash them on an unsuspecting Premier League. This would also explain why Villa’s boy defenders froze up so often in big games last season. We just thought they’d seen a girl from school they liked and got all shy.
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