ARE you an Australian? Does your dad go quiet when you ask him why your family came here? Do you masturbate furiously to the Queen’s speech?

If you answered yes to all of the above, chances are you’re related to someone famous – Edward Jones, officially the world’s first celebrity stalker.

A writer has discovered the strange story of 14-year-old Jones who, back in 1838 was obsessed with a 19-year-old Queen Victoria – although she was just plain Victoria back then.

The lad repeatedly broke into Buckingham Palace, stole the future Queen’s knickers, sat on the throne, slept in one of the Palace beds, sneaked into the her apartments, read her letters and even hid beneath her sofa.

The story of the stalker has been pieced together from old newspaper reports by lecturer Dr Jan Bondeson. He said: “The amazing thing is how close he got to the Queen and the extraordinary lengths taken to get rid of him.”

Jones was acquitted in open court of theft at his first trial. But for his subsequent break-ins he was tried in secret to avoid embarrassing the Royals. He was twice sentenced to hard labour and eventually sent to Australia to keep him away from the Queen and husband Prince Albert.

If nothing else, Jones’s antics have made BBM feel better about ourselves. Suddenly a $400 fine and restraining order for masturbating through Cheryl Cole’s letter box doesn’t seem so bad.