• DID you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint.

All the sailors ended up being marooned.

 

• WHAT did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam.

 

• WHAT athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper.

 

• HOW does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi’ Jammin.

 

• HOW do you make a tissue dance? Put a boogie in it.

 

• WHAT did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

 

• WHY did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?

Because he couldn’t concentrate.

 

• WHAT did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child caught holding a pin?

You let me down, you let your friends down, you let your school down but most of all … you let yourself down.

 

• WHAT is ET short for?

Because he’s only got little legs.

 

• WHY did the golfer take two pairs of trousers to the course?

In case he got a hole in one.

                                                                                    

Ken, Fremantle

 

IN A recent junior football game things were really starting to get out of hand. It got so bad that at one point the coach called one of his seven-year-old players aside and asked: “Do you understand what ‘co-operation’ is? What a ‘team’ is?” The little boy nodded.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?” The little boy nodded.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a ‘dickhead’. Do you understand all that?” Again the little boy listened and nodded.

He continued: “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb arsehole’, is it?”

Again the little boy nodded. “Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

                                                                                     

Glen, Noosa

 

AN older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin and cures stretch marks so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons instead of the usual amount.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point. The woman came to the door and the milkman said: “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?”

The blonde said: “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”

The milkman asked: “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The blonde replied: “Nope, just up to my boobs, I might splash it in my eyes.”

 

Keith, Cairns

 

A rural family was given some venison by a friend. The wife carefully prepared deer steaks and served it to her husband and their children.

The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what they were eating for dinner.

“Is is beef?” the daughter Julie asked.

“Nope.”

“Is it pork?” the son Will asked.

“Nope.”

“Heck, we don’t know, Dad!” Will exclaimed.

“I’ll give you a clue,” the Husband said, “It’s what your mom sometimes calls me.”

“Spit it out, Will!” cried Julie, “We’re eating arsehole!”

 

Jez, Brisbane

 

A MAN staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a round of golf with my wife and we both sliced our balls into a cow field.

“We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over, lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my big mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail again and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!” “I don’t remember much after that!”

 

Claire, Surry Hills