Arsene Wenger continues to confound his critics by using gothic techniques to
improve Arsenal’s playing squad.
After being inspired by Frankenstein in his bid to combine three forwards into one,
Wenger has been thumbing his way through Robert Louis Stephenson’s Jeckyll and
Hyde and has come up with another master plan to avoid dipping into the club’s
“I’ve only read the blurb but it’s basically about two personalities contained within
one crazy guy, so I thought why can’t I go one better and create two players out of
one?” mused Wenger, interviewed after The Gunners’ 2-1 victory over FC Koln.
“After losing two forwards in the Samir van Walcott surgery we’re a bit light up top,
so I’ve taken Bacary Sagna and split him in two.”
The result: Gervinho. Media outlets were reporting that the forward was acquired
from French club Lille, but BBM can now reveal the true nature of Arsenal’s
However, sceptics argue that Wenger’s latest marvel is just one big publicity stunt to
give the impression of signing players. The two right-sided players have yet to take
the pitch together and rumours have been circulating that Wenger’s experiment failed,
and the two players are one and the same. Eyes will be peeled during the weekend’s
Emirates Cup tournament to discover the truth once and for all.
By Jude Ellery