RONALDO – the fat Brazil one, not the closet homosexual – could soon be waddling his way onto a silverscreen near you following reports that the football world’s most skilful bucket of lard is set for a role in a film starring Juliette Lewis and Andy Garcia.
Surprisingly, it’s not a remake of The Blob or one of those shit cameos that David Beckham does with such cringeworthy frequency. Instead, the buck-toothed pie gobbler will play a bank robber in Marcio Garcia’s new film Open Road. “I’ll study the film seriously to do it well,” belched Ronaldo while sucking chicken grease off his lardy fingers.
Naturally, when BBM heard the news we immediately rubbed our hands with glee at the prospect of a piece-of-piss football feature this week – namely a ‘top five footballers in films’ list.
Vinnie Jones’s baffling Hollywood success would naturally rate highly, as would the excellent Looking for Eric starring United’s Kung-Fu king himself Eric Cantona. And while he may have had trouble ‘rising to the occasion’ in later life, Viagra salesman Pele stole the show in Escape to Victory. But then we thought ‘bollocks to that, let’s have a look at fat bastards instead.’
So here you have it. In honour of Ronaldo’s finger lickin’ looks, we’ve compiled a list of current Premier League footballers who we reckon are certain to open a pub, pile on the pounds and die of heart disease when their careers come to an end.
Premier League’s Top Five Future Fatties…
Frank Lampard (pictured)
After years of listening to such great chants as: “10 men couldn’t lift, couldn’t lift Frank Lampard; 10 men, 9 men, 8 men, 7 men, 6 men, 5 men, 4 men, 3 men, 2 men, 1 man and his forklift truck couldn’t lift Frank Lampard” and “He’s fat! He’s fat! He’s really really fat! Frank Lampard, Frank Lampard!” it’s almost inevitable that Fat Frank will find solace in comfort eating once his playing days are done.
Andy Reid
Reid offically became the fattest bastard ever to score in the Premier League when he hit the net for Sunderland against West Ham in 2008. When Kenwyne Jones scored earlier in the game, the striker celebrated by somersaulting over to the corner flag and pumping his fists in the air. When Reid scored, the Irishman celebrated by doubling over and coughing up a bit of sick. Probably. Currently trying to wheeze his way into the Blackpool team.
Gareth Barry
The Premier League’s Mr Inertia. A study released last month made the less-than startling discovery that £12 million signing Barry was one of the slowest outfield players in the top-flight. Joey Barton recently said watching Barry go up against Germany’s Mesut Ozil at the World Cup was like “the hare against the tortoise”. A Jim Royle-style life in the front of the telly beckons for the motionless midfielder.
Wayne Rooney (pictured)
Rooney just has that ‘fat git’ look about him. The stocky Shrek-a-like burns up energy like a particularly offensive-faced pug dog chasing a tennis ball on the pitch, but as soon as he hangs up his boots you can bet he’ll be breaking out the Jagerbombs and Ginster’s pasties.
Benni McCarthy
At 33, McCarthy decided to go into retirement at the end of last season. Unfortunately for West Ham, he kept that bit of information to himself when they signed him as, judging by his fitness levels this season, his idea of pre-match training is a gentle jog up to the Nag’s Head just before kick-off for a pint and some cottage pie.
