Fascist Geordie-botherer Paolo Di Canio has taken his first step towards establishing the third Reich at Sunderland by banning “impure” food stuffs such as ketchup, mayonnaise and, erm, ice.
Tyneside’s answer to Goebbels revealed he had overhauled the squad’s diet in a bid to change the British beer-swilling culture at the club. We suspect it’ll be kosher foods off the menu next.
“In general, the players are getting the message about how things will be here,” he dictated as several Luftwaffe aircraft flew in formation overhead.
“Gone are the days of a player coming in and boasting about drinking seven beers the night before. Now they arrive an hour early for training, and we have lectures about why we can’t have everyday things like mayonnaise, ketchup and ice. They can cause chemical problems to the liver, to the stomach.”
Ketchup and mayonnaise we can kind of understand, but ice is the one that baffles us. Can frozen water really be such a threat to his vision of Sunderland’s “pure race”?
“If you have ice with coke, you can have indigestion. I know players who’ve had ice with their coke the night before a game and then couldn’t play,” blathered Di Canio while Wagner’s Ring cycle played in the background.
“We give the players diet sheets to follow, but I think they still enjoy life.”
Who knows, maybe he’s onto something and the real reason England have massively under-performed at every major tournament for the last 50 years is because we like a bit of ice with our soft drinks. Maybe Ricky Lambert, James Milner and Glen Johnson would be up there with Lionel Messi if they cut out the ketchup.
Or maybe we’re just shit.
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