Hands on experience for Ashes clash
Forget Steve Smith, David Warner or Josh Hazlewood, it turns out the biggest threat to
England’s Ashes chances this year could be Peter “who?” Handscomb.
Apparently Handscomb has been working as an undercover operative for the Aussies
during his stint at Yorkshire in the County Championship this year, and has been
secretly monitoring Joe Root’s batting strengths and weaknesses.
Even his surname sounds fake, like something a disguised spy would come up with
when asked what his name is and all he can think of is whatever’s in his hand at the
time. He’s certainly no James Bond.
“I was lucky to be there with a few of the boys that are probably going to be in the
England Test squad for the Ashes,” turncoat Handscomb said.
“It was great to get around them and just talk cricket. They spoke about playing in
Australia and I was asking questions about playing in England. They were quite open
conversations. It was a massive learning curve.”
Asked if he stopped short of disclosing too many secrets, a grinning Handscomb said he
revealed “just enough to keep them interested that they think they got something”.
The first Test will be held at the Gabba in Brisbane (November 23-27) with each day
starting at 11am (AEDT). Tests at Adelaide (December 2-6); Perth (December 14-18);
Melbourne (December 26-30); and Sydney (January 4-8) will follow.
Paartalu, I was defeated you won the war
Players often talk about the intimidation factor of playing at infamous venues with
dodgy reputations like La Bombonena in Buenos Aires or Red Star Stadium in Belgrade.
But in terms of intimidation tactics, former Socceroo Erik Paartalu had an experience
that topped the lot, after a nuclear missile flew over his team’s hotel before a game in
North Korea.
Paartalu and his Indian Super League side Bengaluru had to travel to the secretive state
for the second leg of an AFC Cup game.
“The last day of our visit there was a missile getting fired off over our hotel room, you
can’t exactly prepare for something like that,” Paartalu said.
“It is one thing going to play somewhere where there may be a war going on, or is an
unstable area, but North Korea is a different kettle of fish. The Australian government
had put out a warning urging people not to travel to North Korea, there was no consular
or embassy there and there was the threat of a nuclear war.”
One L of a mistake
We here at BBM Towers pride ourselves on the high standard of our writing, which is
why every article we publish goes through a dedicated team of fact checkers and sub-
editors first.
Admittedly they all tend to be blonde Swedish backpackers with a limited grasp of
English, who are willing to work for beers after work, but it all adds to the flawless
sheen and high-kwality finish that BBM is renowned for.
But even with our dedication, it’s hard work making sure every single little word is spelt
correctly – just ask the kit makers for French club Montpellier, who only had to write
one word and still managed to cock it up
The Ligue 1 side have apologised to their supporters after incredibly spelling the club’s
name with just one “L” on this season’s shirts.
“Montpellier has indeed been the victim of a logo error on a series of shirts put on sale,”
an official club statement read. “The logo provider made two sets, one with a fault. They
are of aware of their error and are committed to solving the problem.”
Alman of the moment for Melbourne Cup
It might still be a few weeks away, and the final field hasn’t been confirmed yet, but pop
down to the bookies right now and put all your dollars, Euros or pre-Brexit pounds
(while they’re still worth something) on Almandin in the Melbourne Cup.
And before you say anything, no we didn’t just look at last year’s winner and get
confused. Well OK that might have happened, but there’s still a good reason to back the
defending champ who is in fine fettle heading towards this year’s race. Almandin wasn’t
given much hope in the JRA Trophy at Flemington last month, his first race back since
his Melbourne Cup victory, but he absolutely creamed the field to win by three lengths.
Now champion jockey Damien Oliver has been given the nod to ride him at the big show
on November 7.
Wallabies ready for another mauling
So as the Rugby Championship draws to its inevitable conclusion (another title for the
All Blacks) and the Wallabies claim their rightful place in the table (third), England fans
can begin to rub their hands at the prospect of smashing Australia in their Test in
November.
Every 13 years or so, England produce a team that isn’t shit, and this time around it just
happens to have coincided with the Wallabies being as bad as they’ve ever been. In fact
Australia’s best performance in recent months was a defeat to the All Blacks in New
Zealand that wasn’t quite as embarrassing as usual.
Considering England trounced the Wallabies in Australia last year, the match at
Twickenham should prove highly entertaining for anyone in a white shirt.
Jong-un is Devils’ advocate
After a busy day starting World War III or killing off family members, it turns out North
Korean mental case Kim Jong-un likes to unwind by watching Manchester United in
action.
The North Korean nut job is a huge Red Devils fan, according to his mate Antonio Razzi,
an Italian senator whose only claim to fame is being on first-name terms with the
world’s most powerful homicidal maniac.
But when asked if Kim compared himself to any United heroes such as Eric Cantona or
Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Razzi said: “No, Kim is Kim — he is the only one.”
Spoken like a man who doesn’t want to be executed on an airfield by anti-aircraft guns.
United fans hit wrong note
Manchester United fans have had an FA finger wagged at them for taking the David
Brent approach to positive discrimination, with racism campaigners urging them to stop
singing a song about star striker Romelu Lukaku – because there’s a bit in it about his
massive shlong.
The chant, sang to the tune of the ‘Made of Stone’ by the Stone Roses, has been heard on
several occasions since Lukaku’s £90million move from Everton this summer.
Scott Patterson, who publishes the popular blog The Republik of Mancunia, slammed
the chant as “drivel that belongs in the 1980s.”
He went on: “Here we have a hugely talented striker, currently the top scorer in the
league, yet he’s reduced to us celebrating the supposed size of his dick. It’s a cheap and
insulting stereotype that has no place in this day and age.”
It’s a good point Scott, although we have to wonder whether you’ve ever actually been
to a football game before if you get offended by this sort of thing.
Punching above his height
There was a lot of snobbish commentary about the class and dignity of the art of boxing
compared to the sheer brutality of UFC when Conor McGregor fought Floyd Mayweather
last week.
But say what you want about mixed-martial arts, at least you never see an eight-year-
old boy viciously punch someone in the gonads at the weigh-in before a big bout.
Less than 24 hours away from his fight with Billy Joe Saunders last month, Willie
Monroe Junior had to fend off a below-the belt attack from the WBO middleweight
champion’s son, Stevie.
The little shit kept jumping on the scales while Monroe was on them, and when the
boxer playfully ruffled the youngster’s hair, the kid punched the American’s groin then
tried to kick him in the leg.
“My son’s been taught when A stranger puts their hands on them they don’t know
punch and run away self-defence,” Saunders blathered later that day.
It’s a mystery where the kid gets it from.
Rio ready for sport switch
Ever wanted to punch Rio Ferdinand in the face?
Well now’s your chance after the former England defender and urine-test dodger
announced his intention to become a professional boxer at the age of 38. OK, you can
stop laughing now.
“I’ve been through quite a few things in my life and this is a way of trying to channel
that aggression, that anger sometimes, into something I can be really focused on,” he
said. “My first focus was getting stuck into work and this is an extension of that.”
Fair enough Rio, although we’re sure the £250,000 offered to you by Betfair to go
through with it probably had an influence to.
Raise a glass for Ritchie
We get the feeling it might be time to review the drug-screening process in the Premier
League after Newcastle United midfielder and teetotaller Matt Ritchie had his first beer
in two years just so he could piss for the urine sample.
We’re no experts here at BBM but aren’t drug tests meant to stop players from ingesting
harmful substances?
“I had a knock on my door at 8.45pm – it was the drug testers,” said red-nosed Ritchie.
“And to try and make myself have a wee, I had my first beer since my wedding day two
years ago! Even when we won the league (Championship) I didn’t have a glass of
champagne. I had a lime and soda with my meal.”
No wonder Wayne Rooney is always so keen to get pissed, he’s just making sure he can
have a slash if the testers pop round unannounced. It still doesn’t explain the cystitis
though.
Spot the odds one out
Paddy Power has built a reputation on offering whacky bets but they crossed a line last
month while offering odds on the next manager of Birmingham City after Harry
Redknapp’s sacking.
“Nothing wrong with that,” you may well say, especially with ‘hilarious’ odds on Ozzy
Osbourne for 2500-1 and Gabby Agbonlahor at 66-1. But the real surprise was Ugo
Ehiogu at 66-1. It was a surprise not because he used to play for Birmingham’s arch
rivals Aston Villa, but because he died in April at the age of 44.
“This was a genuine error, a trader re-used an old market as a template for this one, and
didn’t notice that Mr Ehiogu was included,” said a Paddy Power spokesman. “Obviously,
that was a mistake, one which was rectified as soon as it was spotted, within minutes.”
Also visit – https://britishballs.com/funny-and-old-sport-news/
