BBM’S thoughts on Sepp Blatter have been well-documented over the years. Basically, if you replace the comic Swiss accent with the rumbling voice of pure evil, he’s The Emperor from Star Wars – desperately clinging to power through manipulation, intimidation and a posse of easily corrupted minions while blindly ignoring the needs of his subjects to follow his own personal agenda. We also heard he fires blue lightning from his fingertips at journalists who ask too many questions.
And by comparing the events at FIFA this week with the Star Wars timeline, old Sepp should be luring a young farm boy into fighting his dad on the Death Star right about now as he seems pretty confident that FIFA’s rebel forces will soon be crushed.
“Football belongs to everyone and we are in charge!” was Blatter’s paradoxical battle cry this week following his successful re-election as FIFA president. Considering he got his only election rival – Mohammed Bin Hammam – kicked out of the contest on corruption charges (if that didn’t work, he was going to freeze him in carbonite), it wasn’t exactly the biggest surprise.
Such wisdom and foresight naturally makes BBM the equivalent of Yoda in this slightly stretched tale of galactic megalomania. But the big surprise is that the role of the dashing young blond hero fighting for justice and the greater good is none other than our own homegrown bunglers the English FA.
Knowing full well it would make them as popular as pubic lice in a wookie colony, the FA nevertheless tried to get FIFA to delay the farce of an election until the strong whiff of corruption had been dealt with. The suggestion died on its arse – although of the 206 votes, 16 other countries backed up England and a further 17 abstained, suggesting perhaps that not everything’s rosy in the garden of FIFA.
“There’s no bad feeling with the associations that didn’t vote for me,” said Sepp with all the sincerity of a Sith Lord. He then laughed evilly before adding: “As you can see, my young apprentice, your friends have failed. Now witness the firepower of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL battle station!”