Ronaldo – not that one, the fat one – has retired from football aged 34. The three-time world player of the year had planned to quit at the end of the year but a succession of injuries and the elimination of his club Corinthians from the Copa Libertadores forced his hand.  “I can’t do it any more. I think of an action, but I can’t do it the way I want to. It’s time,” said the buck-toothed Samba boy, sounding suspiciously like fellow Brazil legend turned Viagra-salesman Pele.