BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her regular special way…

Aquarius

You become increasingly baffled by the latest plot twists and turns of the new series of Game of Thrones, until it’s pointed out that you’ve accidentally been watching old episodes of Maid Marian and her Merry Men, the beloved 90s children’s TV show starring that bloke from Blackadder.

Virgo

In a case of mistaken identity, you are abducted on the street by a Channel 9 news crew and held captive by a mentally unstable mother in Wagga Wagga who is convinced you’re her six-year-old son.

Capricorn

There’s yet more fallout from the Essendon Bombers doping scandal when it is revealed that controversial sports nutritionist Stephen Danks was hired by the CEO of Capricorn in 2012 to introduce a drugs supplement program that included several substances banned by ZADA (the Zodiac Anti-Doping Agency). As a result, Capricorn is banned from the zodiac for two months, much like Aries was in March (see below).

Aries

You are still banned from the zodiac after testing positive for the banned substance Clenbuterol. Your horoscope will return next month although you will be bottom of the list after being deducted 12 points as part of the punishment.

Libra

The day has finally arrived. Time to cast your vote in the great “Librexit” referendum, which will decide once and for all whether Librans will stay with the European Zodiac or go it alone as an independent horoscope. “Stay” campaigners claim an exit would cost the Libran economy billions of dollars due to lost trade deals with Aquarius and Pisces, whereas “Leave” protestors believe an independent Libra will finally be able to install laws banning the immigration of dirty scum like Taurus and Virgo.

Cancer

Despite talking about it with your mates and seeing reports on it in the news, you still have no idea what a double-dissolution election is.

Sagittarius

You set a new record for the number of gruesome deaths you come up with for a hipster sitting near you in a cafe talking very loudly on his phone about how cool and important his job is.

Leo

You achieve a lifelong ambition when you finally get to fight a heavily-accented Russian on top of a speeding train. After a brief scuffle, during which you both duck under a bridge just in the nick of time, you get him in a choke-hold and subdue him as the train pulls into the station. You are promptly arrested by waiting police officers for assault and racial vilification.

Taurus

You are paid a visit by Wolverine, Professor Charles Xavier, Cyclops and the rest of the X-Men crew after someone posts a video of you on YouTube showing your amazing superhuman ability to flick coins really high into the air before catching them again. You are duly hired to become a member of the team and set off for your first mission in North Korea, where you are forced to do battle with an army of evil robots. During the life and death struggle, it swiftly becomes apparent that your “special” ability is pretty much useless in a combat situation. A week later, you are called into Professor Xavier’s office and quietly let go.

Pisces

You mention to a couple
of mates that Batman vs Superman wasn’t as awful as you thought it would be. You are subsequently beaten to a bloody pulp by a vicious mob of film critics led by Margaret Pomeranz and David Stratton.

Gemini

Apple shocks the world by releasing a new iPod which contains a free album of you singing Katy Perry songs in the shower. You are subsequently beaten to a bloody pulp by a vicious mob of music critics led by Molly Meldrum and Jools Holland.

Scorpio

You’re the last horoscope this month and I’m running out of space, so I’ll make this quick. You go on a day trip to Luna Park and… yaddda, yadda, yadda … you end up stranded on a desert island with Noel Edmonds.