CYCLING: The last time BBM went for a ride in Scotland we awoke the next morning to the foul stench of fags, scotch and donner kebab – and that was just off the lass beside us. Poor Heather, so intent on showing everyone her sporran.
Luckily, things turned out a bit better for the hundreds of people who joined Lance Armstrong for a cycle last week.
“Hey Glasgow, Scotland! I’m coming your way tomorrow. Who wants to go for a bike ride?” the cyclist asked from his Twitter account.
“Thanks to everyone who turned up to ride in Paisley! I figured we’d have a nice ride for a dozen or so. But 100’s came. Haha! Awesome!
“And yes, next time I’ll try to bring some sun. You bring the translator (Scottish to Texan) and I’ll bring the rays. Seriously, thanks again.
“And how great was it that the Flying Scotsman Graeme Obree came out? Legend.”
FORMULA ONE: There is an old Chinese proverb which goes something like this: Felipe Massa, don’t rush back to F1 driving just a few weeks after being smashed viciously in the face with a spring traveling at hundreds of miles hour. It’s not a common proverb, but still…
Felipe Massa is planning to ignore this advice by hopping behind the steering wheel once again.
“I cannot wait to race again, I hope I can do the Brazilian Grand Prix,” he told a TV channel.
“But it’s for the doctors to say. I have to show I can be ready.”
“I think I am going to do some laps in a go-kart beforehand,” Massa added.
“Then I will go to the FIA to do the examinations and get the authorisation to come back to racing.”
Or you could just retire on your millions. That what BBM would do.
ATHLETICS: Usain Bolt continues to take the piss out of stopwatches, human biology and the unfortunate other racers who must at this stage be getting tired of looking at the blurred bottom of his running shoes.
The Jamaican set a new 100m record to take gold, gold, always believe what you’re told at the Athletics World Championships in Berlin.
“I was ready, I was feeling good after the semi-finals,” Bolt told BBC Sport.
“I knew it was going to be a great race and I came out and executed it. It’s a great time. I did well and I feel good in myself.”
He came in with a time of time of 9.58 seconds to take 0.11 off the mark he set last year when winning gold at the Beijing Olympics.
American Tyson Gay was second in a time of 9.71, with Jamaica’s Asafa Powell claiming bronze in 9.84. The slow bastards.
Electronic timing of races was introduced in 1968. Bolt shaving 0.11 off his previous time marks the biggest leap since the new system began. And at the time of writing he had pissed all over the 200m semis as well. He will win the 200m final and set a new world record while he is at it. You heard it here first!
“While I was in the pub one night I was saying how I thought we’d win [Big Cup] next season and my friend turned to me and said ‘if you’re so sure why don’t you have it tattooed?’ He was obviously joking, so you can imagine his face when I turned around and said ‘OK then'” – supporter Kirk Bradley shows off his new ‘Manchester City 2011[Big Cup] Winners’ tattoo to the world. The fool.
“Footballers’ salaries are outside reality. It is necessary to introduce a salary cap. They are unacceptable, distant from the real economy in which we live in a difficult time like this. They are outside every parameter” – media mogul, Milan owner and Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi calls for footballers to cut their cloth according to everyone else’s measure. Just like the multi-billionaire has done.
“Yeah, Ryan Babel’s a good mate of mine. He’s a nice guy, he’s a sick rapper. The way he flips his flow is marvellous, man, so I wanted him to do a bit – half Dutch, half British – and he really pulled it off, man. I think it’s a track that people are gonna like” – Rapper Sway on Liverpool’s Ryan Babel’s appearance on his album.
“I’m not even a year older than Ramprakash so if he is a chance I must be a chance as well” – Stuart Law, Aussie-turned-Pom, may have been the only half-decent batsman not spoken about ahead of selection last week