I SELL balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it’s 15p.
I’ve adjusted the price for inflation.
I Phoned up the fishing helpline today.
I said, “I’m crap at fishing and need some tips.”
The man said, “Okay, can you hold the line?”
I said, “No, that’s why I’m calling.”
I JUST bought a Monopoly set which had no instructions.
What are the chances?
I PROBABLY shouldn’t have driven home from the pub last night.
Especially as I walked there in the first place.
“GYMNASIUM” in ancient Greek means “naked exercise”. Try telling that to the receptionist at Fitness First.
I CAN’T help but think that if Jesus had smartened himself up for the trial, things could have turned out differently.
I’M NOT saying I’ve got a big cock but when I get a hard-on I haven’t got enough skin left to close my eyes.
I SAT in the park last night, when a beautiful blonde came running after a dog which started sniffing my leg.
“Oh sorry!” she giggled. “He won’t bite whatever you do, I’ve just borrowed him for a walk because I’ve heard there’s this really sick pervert about.”
“He won’t bite whatever the circumstances?” I asked.
“That’s right,” she replied.
So I knocked her out and fucked the dog up its arse.
PUTTING on a sexy voice, my wife called me upstairs to the bedroom earlier.
She was on the bed with her legs apart and a dirty look in her eyes. “Look what I found in the cupboard…crotchless panties,” she said as she seductively modelled them.
I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was one of my vests.
WHEN I got depressed, I joined the Army.
I just needed a soldier to cry on.
IN TODAY’S lesson, my history teacher asked us to imagine a newspaper headline from Japan, 30 years on from the disaster.
Judging by the look on her face, ‘Woman raped by man with two cocks’, wasn’t what she was looking for.
THIS whole business about Wayne Rooney being a bad role model.
If you think what a footballer does on TV has any influence on me, you can fuck off.
PEOPLE are calling Rebecca Black “the female Justin Bieber.”
Which is a bit like calling someone “the gay Gok Wan.”
I DON’T know why Fulham fans are complaining. I’m sure their statue was cheaper than the £50m Chelsea paid for theirs.
Mac Daddy, Double Bay
THERE are 26 million people in the UK who support Liverpool.
I ALWAYS hurt the ones I love the most.
Probably because I’ve got a huge cock.
Dexy, Surry Hills
IF YOU know the periodic symbol for Nobelium, Vanadium, Silver, Iodine and Sodium, you get….
I WAS having the best sex I’ve ever had with my wife when the doctor walked in and said, “Look, I know this is an emotional time but it really is time to turn off her life support”.
AS A TEENAGER reading porno mags, my favourite shot was where she was draped seductively on the bonnet of a car.
Much later, I saw it in real life but it wasn’t nearly as sexy as I remembered. In fact, after the second wank, I got bored and called an ambulance.
I WAS delivering mail on my post round this morning when, at one house, a big dog came growling at me. A woman in the house opened a window, and called out: “You’ll be OK, just kick his balls.”
So I gave the mutt an almighty boot in the bollocks, dropping it to the ground.
“No!” she shouted. “The ones on the front garden!”
I DO all my addition in my head.
It’s the thought that counts.
I KNEW this girl who wanted bigger boobs but couldn’t afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.
It would be great if I had a punchline to go with that story, wooden tit?
MY GIRLFRIEND left me because, apparently, I’m “too kinky”.
I nearly spat out her piss when she told me.