I went to the library and tried to borrow a book on suicide.
The librarian told me; “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”
Keith, Bedworth

men carry condoms in case they meet a good looking lady when they go out.
I carry candy.
Richard, Edgecliff

I tried to make toast today using a lighter.
It was dangerous, next time I’ll try using bread.
Sabina, Fremantle

LOOKING at the washing machine go round and round makes me feel sick.
I can’t imagine how the cat feels looking out of it.
Joe, Manly

What’s red and orange and would look good on Katie Price?
Kylie, Newtown

I came home to find a rooster, a clergyman and a chimpanzee watching a porno in the front room.I didn’t know whether to choke the chicken, bash the bishop or spank the monkey…

John, Coogee

I was banging my wife on the floor when I suddenly thought, there has to be an easier way of nailing down these loose floorboards.
Adam, Gold Coast

HOW come cats are on their ninth life every time I hit them with my car? 
Wayne, St. Kilda

I bet Paris Hilton a hundred grand that she wouldn’t be able to write a personal cheque for a million pounds without it bouncing.
Easiest £900 000 I’ve ever made.   

Alex, Townsville

WHY can’t a prostitute count to 70?
Because 69 is just too big of a mouthful.

Jaymes, Waterloo