jokes 629 jerry lee lewis

A bloke in the pub said I was a weirdo. I thought I’d teach him lesson.

So I showed him the error of his ways via the medium of interpretive dance. Yohance, Bondi

My son’s teacher phoned me this afternoon.

He said, “I’ve just caught your son snorting cocaine with a rolled up £20 note.”

“You’re joking?” I said. “Where the fuck has he got that from?”

He said, “I’ve got no idea.”

“Hang on a minute” I said. “Let me just check my wallet.” Jeff, Darlinghurst

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

“My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided.

“What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?”

“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.

“Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?” Bob, Surry Hills

I don’t understand the hype around Carlsberg.

I found a can on a wall, and it tasted like piss. David, Richmond

So New York has built a ‘Park in the sky’ then?

Hope it works better than their ‘Airport in a skyscraper’ idea. Ali, Adelaide

She said, “Dad?”

“Dad?” I replied, staggering back in disgust. “You lost your virginity to your dad?”

She turned round and said, “Oh… It’s you… I told you that you were my first because I was ashamed of what happened with my…”

“I don’t want to hear it,” I interrupted. “Fuck you, and your dad.”

As I walked off, I turned round and shouted, “Tell him Uncle Tony won’t be coming round this Christmas.” Steve, Paddington

My wife is finally losing weight thanks to a slimming club.

If she goes near the fridge, I hit her with it. Ian, Greenwich

I read recently that most companies deliberately employ one useless, incompetent, talentless dumbarse, just to boost office morale, focus the other employees, and divert attention away from any management failings.

What bollocks! I’ve looked around the whole office, and none of my colleagues fit that description. Leon, Twickenham