Photo of the JokerI was at my mate’s stag night when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.

“Drink it” they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull.


John, Croydon


The kids at school used to call me four eyes.

it was quite a creative nickname as I, I, I, I have a stutter.

Timothy, Perth


A security guard stopped me at the airport last night.

He said: “Do you mind if we search your luggage?”

I said: “It depends, what for?”

He said: “Drugs.”

I said: “In that case, no.”

Terry, Bondi


I don’t think I could ever fist someone up the ass.

I’m pretty sure my hand would instinctively grope around for a Pringle while it was in there.

Thomas, Brisbane


My little boy asked for a pet. So I stroked his head and said: “There you go, now fuck off.”

Jimbo, Cairns


I’ve just started a band called 999 Megabytes.

We haven’t done a gig yet.

Jack, Bondi


I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman working there if they had any ghost costumes. She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Silly cow, they’re not that scary.

Peter, Coogee


Arsenal: The only team that can finish third in a two-horse race.

Jimmy, Edgecliff


I’ll never forget the day I came into the world.

I got expelled from school for sticking my cock in a globe.

Todd, Coogee


My girlfriend’s going to be really happy with me. I’ve told her to stay in and polish my medieval battle re-enactment uniform while I go to the pub with the lads.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

Ted, Townsville


A security guard stopped me at the airport last night.

He said: “Do you mind if we search your luggage?”

I said, “It depends, what for?”

He said, “Drugs.”

I said, “In that case, no.”

Roger, Randwick


It’s not who you know,

…it’s whom you know.

Ted, Leeds


My doctor prescribed me some haemorrhoid cream. On the label it said, ‘For External Use Only’.

My neighbours weren’t too chuffed.

Dexy, Surry Hills


What do women and food processors have in common?

They both make good food, but you wouldn’t want to stick your fingers in them when they’re on.

Frank, Redfern


I just tried to change my Facebook password to ‘14 days’ but it said it was ‘Too weak’.

Tim, Manchester