I don’t take orders from anyone.
It’s probably why my restaurant went bust.
I tried to send my girlfriend a picture of my cock today but my phone alerted me “Recipient may not be able to receive files this large”.
That’s a nice boost for my confidence, anyway.
I was shagging this bird when she said: “There’s something I like to do in bed, but I’m a bit shy to say it so I’ll give you a clue. It’s a number.”
I said: “Do you mean a 69?”
She gave a little bashful giggle and said: “You’re wrong by 67.”
It was then l noticed the smell of shit.
Women say men are disgusting because they will piss in the sink if the bathroom is occupied.
But they are completely mistaken.
Men will piss in the sink if it’s closer.
Stephen Hawking’s term for the rest of the human race.
My mate has invented a new hobby called “blindfolded plane spotting”.
Can’t see it taking off.
I’m sick of my mate Adam.
He walks round like he is God’s gift to women.
I went to see one of those shadow theatres earlier.
One of the fuckers followed me all the way home.
I can’t get my head round the idea of my girlfriend using a vibrator when I’m not there. It feels like she’s cheating on me. Betraying me.
Why can’t she get all her sexual satisfaction from me, like my wife does?
I’m selling a stalking kit on eBay. There’s six people watching it.
It’s not who you know,
…it’s whom you know.
My doctor prescribed me some haemorrhoid cream. On the label it said, ‘For External Use Only’.
My neighbours weren’t too chuffed.
Dexy, Surry Hills
What do women and food processors have in common?
They both make good food, but you wouldn’t want to stick your fingers in them when they’re on.
I just tried to change my Facebook password to ‘14 days’ but it said it was ‘Too weak’.