I WAS ramming this girl up the arse the other day.
“Oi, any more of that and you’re off the dodgems,” shouted the fairground owner.
I’VE BOUGHT myself a chinchilla.
That should keep my face nice and cool in the warm weather.
I SAID to this girl: “Did you know the Argentine blue-bill duck has, for its size, the largest penis of any vertebrate, over half it’s body length?”
“Get out of here,” she said.
“It’s true,” I replied. “And did you know that the blue whale ejaculates around five gallons of sperm?”
“No, I literally mean get out of here,” she said. “This is the ladies toilets you fucking pervert.”
I’VE made myself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.
She’s a bit clingy.
I WAS only young when I learned to count.
It was odd at first, even then.
SHARKS aren’t the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in a pair of Speedos, I’d probably attack him too.
I HATE street performers.
Then again, I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk.
WHEN I broke up with my girlfriend she started crying and said I was a self-centred bastard.
You should’ve seen the look on my face.
I’VE just been mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Ironically, he wasn’t wearing a mask so I don’t know which one it was.
Girl: What colour are my eyes?