Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.

He shaved my pubes off.

My girlfriend’s pretty thick, everything goes over her head.

Fortunately so do both her feet which is why we’re still together.

I just put four Pure Blondes on the counter and asked for 20 cigerettes.

I asked: “Can I pay with my card?”

She said: “Sure, what card have you got?”

I said: “The two of clubs.”

Sometimes my secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was taking her top off on our lunch break when she said: “Remember, you have a wife.”

There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water.

Number one and number two.

The spell czech on my computer never fails me.

I have a contact lens problem.

I have no contact lens solution.

I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.

One guy pushed the other and said, “Four, nine.”

The other man pushed him back and said, “Sixteen, twenty-five.”

A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said: “I need some help at the door. We’ve got a couple of men squaring up.”

My first thought when I woke up and saw the news today was: “Thank God I’m not Egyptian.”

Not because of the political unrest over there; I’m just racist.

Thanks to the invention of mobile phones, I now no longer have to read the back of my toothpaste every time I’m taking a shit.