“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?”

My late wife’s last words.

I was having dinner with Mr T and he said: “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

I said: “How else would I talk? And I ain’t no fool.”

My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now. I think she’s picked up a few tricks.

I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, “Abracadabra!” and my mate Dave came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.

Poor bastard must have wondered what was going on.

Just got back from two months working in Asia. I can’t wait to see my family and friends.

The TV is shit over there.

I saw a group of girls wearing knee high socks and short skirts so I shouted: “Oi, oi! Get yer tits out for the lads!”

The other dads at the netball match weren’t happy.

Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager.

It’s called the Heineken Manoeuvre.

I’ve bought two 100m tickets for the London 2012 Olympics.

You should have seen the size of the envelope they came in.

My girlfriend said it would be nice if I could maintain an erection.

So I’ve volunteered to clean pigeon shit from Sydney Opera House.

I donated to a sperm bank yesterday.

I had sex with Kerry Katona