Halloween JokesMy mate said to me today he was having a Halloween party and he asked me if I’d come.

I said I’d go as Maddie McCann, which I suppose was nicer than saying I wasn’t gonna fucking show up. Bob, Paddington

The doorbell rang one Halloween and, when I answered it, there was a little boy dressed as the Predator stood there with his dad.
“And who are you?” I asked as I bent down to give him a sweet.
“He’s a child Predator,” said his dad.
“What a coincidence,” I thought. Tim, Kings Cross

I won’t be getting any trick-or-treaters this Halloween.

I’ve boarded up my windows and spray painted “paedo scum” on my front door. Peter, Surry Hills

I’m all ready for Halloween. My Gary Glitter costume came this morning… it’s a bit small though, looks like its for fucking kids! Greg, Greenwich

I save a lot of petrol this time of year…

First there’s Halloween, where I get free home delivery.

Then I just wait till bonfire night to dispose of the bodies. Chris, Darlinghurst

Just went to a Halloween under 16’s disco.

I told everyone that I came dressed as an old man.

I lied. Rich, Isleworth

The Scariest thing about Halloween, is having all my Ex’s knocking on my door in one night, many introducing me to their parents. Rob, Kensal Rise

Just saw the group ” Halloween = an excuse for girls to dress up as whores…” on Facebook… It must be Halloween every day in Manchester then… Phil, Twickenham

Last year for Halloween me and my mate were meant to go trick or treating as a pair of breasts. He didn’t turn up and I went by myself. I looked like a right tit. John, Croydon

I like to walk through the burns unit at Halloween and compliment everyone on their Freddy Krueger costumes. Fred, Chelsea

My mate said there’s one thing he hates about Halloween.
“Which is?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he replied, “they freak me out.” Barny, Adelaide

What do hillbillies do at Halloween?

Pumpkin. Alex, St Kilda

My brothers Halloween costume arrived in the post this morning.

Out of curiosity I had to open it up and take a look at what it was, it consisted of a rooster mask and a giant bag of lolly pops.

He’s obviously going as a cock sucker again! Sam, Christchurch