I WAS watching TV when my mother-in-law stormed into the living room and shouted: “Right, which one of you splashed diarrhoea all up the seat?”
I looked sheepish and said: “Sorry Eileen, it’s me, but there wasn’t any toilet paper to wipe it off.”
She replied: “And why would I keep toilet paper in my Renault Clio?”

It took a lot of balls for me to go on the Channel 4 show “Embarrassing Bodies”.
Three actually.

My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother’s funeral.
Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers?

I said to my mate, “My arsehole is hurting this morning, any idea what it is?”
He replied, “Ring Sting.”
I said: “Why, do you think he’ll know?”

Wayne Rooney’s video game out now: Pre-Evolution Soccer.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
The pictures on my laptop are worth a long sentence.

I wanted to sue Qantas because they damaged my luggage on the flight over.
I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer.
He took one look and said “You don’t have much of a case.”

In the recent economic crisis, I doubt Ireland will be able to stay afloat.
Well, Cork might.

Whilst I was driving my girlfriend started giving me a blowjob. I thought I would give her a quick lick as well but we ended up crashing.
The police charged me with doing 69 in a 30 zone.