We all love a good conspiracy theory. Whether it’s the fake moon landings, aliens at Area 51 or Lady Gaga’s secret penis, there’s just something about bonkers ideas based on flimsy evidence that naturally appeals to our sense of paranoia. Now Chelsea man Samuel Eto’o has joined the ranks of conspiracy nutjobs after accusing his international teammates in the Cameroon squad of plotting to not pass to him during the World Cup play-off qualifier against Tunisia.

Etoo3“It’s true and regrettable,” Eto’o said. “And when you watched me retreating to the midfield to chase the ball, it’s because I heard of the plot.” Of course, for all this outlandish speculation to be true, it would mean his teammates hate Eto’o so much that they’d willingly harm their own chances of reaching the World Cup just to piss him off. That’s some ego. Does Eto’o really think he’s that hateable? Actually, when it’s put like that…

“Football is a collective sport,” Eto’o continued to waffle. “You are obliged to pass the ball even to your worst enemy, especially when he is in a good position to receive it. It is time to put all these issues behind us. We need to unite, chat during the game and do our best to obtain the result that the entire nation is expecting from us and, since our coach is right here, I want him to help stop the act of not passing the ball to a player on the field.” Translation: I’m obviously better than the rest of the team combined so I demand that you pass to me more.

Sadly for Eto’o, his manager doesn’t agree. “I didn’t see anything of such a nature during that match,” Cameroon boss Volker Finke said. “There could be some issues between the players, but nobody refused to kick the ball to Eto’o during that encounter. To me it sounds much like a kindergarten talk.”
Translation: Eto’o is talking bollocks.

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