As Chelsea brushed Aston Villa away 2-0 in the Asia Cup Final on Saturday, CEO of Disney Robert Iger penned a letter to his lawyer after the £50m Spanish superstar went from zero to hero in 30 minutes. “It was clearly something straight out of Mighty Ducks” said a Disney spokesperson.

Torres’ lack of impact had been a recurring theme since his move from Liverpool to Chelsea – a theme which you wouldn’t think would change over the fortnight spent in Malaysia, Thailand and Hong Kong – 18 appearances for his new club had after all, only yielded a solitary goal. By the final whistle in Asia however, the World Cup winner was more recognizable, much to the delight of the Chelsea faithful. Well, everyone apart from Mr Iger. “I had my eye on this for some time, he was at the very top of his game – a hero in Liverpool – then transferred to Chelsea, a rival of theirs, couldn’t score a goal to save his life and was a loser in everyone’s eyes… Now he’s back in form and everyone is loving him. Coincidence? I think not.”
Torres’ reward had come just seconds after he was seen lacing up and ‘clicking’ a pair of new, red boots, coming off the bench as a substitute alongside Didier Drogba, the first time the pair have been used together under Andre Villas-Boas away from the training pitch. The touch, shimmy and burst away from Stephen Warnock to create a shot on target – looking like a player re-born, and before you could say the words “Flames” or “Phoenix”, he had beautifully guided the ball past Aston Villa’s Shay Given quicker than you could say “There’s no pace like Benayoun”
Chelsea have since been looking further along in their pre-season preparations – this was their sixth game, all of which have now been won without the concession of a goal, some might say its been a ‘fairy-tale start’. Rumours that The Londoners have been in the Far East for two weeks for more than just football have neither been confirmed or denied. Roman Abramhovic was hunted down by press and in a fluster said “The recent accusations from Disney are nothing but pure fabrication. Fernando’s goal did have a magic touch, but we have no interest in creating counterfeit “dreams” – we leave that all down to the professionals, now, if you will excuse me, I have an important meeting regarding our new training facilities in Yellow Brick Road with Asian businessman Mr. Wong Kar.”

By Ross Fisher