dirty jokes

“I’ve had a breakdown,” I told the lady from the AA.
“Okay sir, tell us where you are and we will send someone as soon as possible”, she replied.
“On the M40, heading north, just beyond junction 6.” 
“Okay sir, we will be with you as soon as possible, just stay with your car.”
What car? I thought to myself, as I threw more of my own shit at passing motorists. Chris, Clapham

I went on a backpacking holiday with the wife.
On the first night I said, “I think there’s a monster under my bed…”
“Grow up,” she replied.
“No, really,” I continued. “It’s hideous…”
“Stop pissing about,” she snapped. “I knew it was a mistake letting you have the top bunk.” Heather, Surry Hills

When my wife and daughter left the room I took the opportunity to warn the boy she was with.
I lent in close to him, “Now listen. You do not put your filthy cock anywhere near my daughter. If you do, I will cut the little fucker off and feed it to the dogs. Do I make myself clear?”
He just sat there with his lip quivering and his eyes filling up with tears.
6-years-old or not.. I like to let them know where they stand. Phil, Bondi

I was talking to my Grandfather at my 30th birthday party, ”Wow 30 years, you know what I haven’t had in about 30 years?” he asks.
”A hard penis.” I said sending my friends into laughter.
”No!” he replied winking, ”A baby sucking my cock!” Gary, Paddington

Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.
I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out. Ben, St Kilda

What does a experienced prostitute and the Titanic have in common?
They both went down on their first time out. Greg, Fremantle

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